Starring Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher?

Jumping Zeus H. Jove. For years I have been looking forward to the big screen adaptation of Lee Child’s badass wrecking ball sleuth Jack Reacher. Child’s long running adventures with Reacher is the only pulp series I follow. I love the character. The Bunker has been trying to stay up to date on the news surrounding Child’s first optioned novel, One Shot, in one post, but this news is too big (and too awful) for it to be buried as an update.

Apparently Tom Cruise, a producer on One Shot, is going to play Child’s ex-military do-good drifter Jack Reacher. There is so much wrong in that sentence that I am surprised it does not defeat long standing paradoxes and disprove the Theory of Relativity.

Why? Here is the physical description of Reacher from

Name: Jack Reacher (no middle name)
Born: October 29th
Measurements: 6’5″, 220-250 lbs., 50″ chest
Hair: Dirty-blond
Eyes: Ice blue
Clothing: 3XLT coat, 95 cm. pants’ inseam

Yeah, you know who that sounds a lot like? Almost anyone other than Tom Fucking Cruise. Not only is Cruise batshit crazy (not that it matters in acting), but he is vertically challenged (5’7″ – half a foot shorter than me), and delivers about as much machismo as vegan almond cheese.

It’s not like Reacher’s size is an afterthought. His size and physical power permeates the action in Child’s books. Reacher’s massive build is a bit of a red herring because it’s his brains and deductive reasoning (like a hulking Sherlock Holmes) that propels each of the novels. But size is always part of the subtext. Here are excerpts from text available on

The four guys were each a useful size. The shortest was probably an inch under six feet and the lightest was maybe an ounce over two hundred pounds. They all had walnut knuckles and thick wrists and knotted forearms….

…The guy standing at the head of the table was the biggest of the four, by maybe an inch and ten pounds. He said, “You’re not going to eat at all…”

“…We don’t like strangers.”

“Me either,” Reacher said. “But I need to eat somewhere. Otherwise I’ll get all wasted and skinny like you four.”

“Funny man.”

“Just calling it like it is,” Reacher said. He put his forearms on the table. He had thirty pounds and three inches on the big guy, and more than that on the other three. And he was willing to bet he had a little more experience and a little less inhibition than any one of them. Or than all of them put together. But ultimately, if it came to it, it was going to be his two hundred and fifty pounds against their cumulative nine hundred. Not great odds. But Reacher hated turning back.

Does that scene evoke a Tom Cruise moment from your psyche? I guess he could jump up and down and pummel the baddies to death. Like an enraged horse.


Source: HitFix

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