Previously, on “Covert Affairs”: Ben is a liar, Annie was in love, Joan is a Mama Bear for Annie, and the CIA has a leak that Auggie is currently plugging in more ways than one.
We open in Toronto, which is convenient since the show is filmed there. It’s the annual meeting of the World Trade Organization. I hope there aren’t riots, like there were in my city. Actually, since there’s no chance that I might get caught up in the festivities in Toronto…fuck it. Go ahead, Hippies. Riot your unshaved armpits off. Next we’re at the Royal Park Hotel where the Iranian delegates are congregating. The chyron writer is getting paid overtime on this episode already. One more, and the show might as well have done a Star Wars scroll at the beginning of the episode.
In a room we see a very hairy man stuffing files into his tracksuit, looking all nervous and shaky. Just as he’s getting ready to leave, a non-hairy man keys into the room, which surprises Hairy, who thought Non-Hairy was going out for dinner. Turns out Non-Hairy opted for takeout instead, and is now wondering where Hairy is off to. Hairy says he’s going to hit the gym, and Non-Hairy psyches that he’ll go with Hairy, but he’s really going to sit in the room eating a 3,000 calorie western culture gut bomb and see if there’s anything good on pay-per-view.
Down in the lobby, Hairy runs into a Hairless man, who gives him a stern look. Hairy tells Hairless that he’s going to work out, and Hairless isn’t quite hip to that jive. Lucky for Hairy, Hairless gets distracted by a Bobby Lee-looking tourist who wants to know if Hairless is hotel staff. Hairy quickly darts behind an exiting luggage cart, and is off into the night.
With a peppy modern jazz number, we’re whisked off to the DPD. Annie is at her station, buried in file folders and newspapers. It appears that Annie is now joining Joan in the Wear Your Evening Dress to Work clique. Moving up in the world. Joan wants to know what Annie’s doing at work so late, and Annie covers that she’s just skimming the European classified ads, looking for workable patterns. Joan calls bullshit, reminding Annie of the technology they have dedicated to that very thing (and Auggie, I would assume). Joan sympathizes with Annie throwing herself into work and all, and knows that the first few months off The Farm can be tough. Joan suggests that maybe Annie take a few days off to clear her head.
Annie begins to protest, asking if this is about Ben Mercer, and the “acess denied” ([sic] – see last week’s recap), and everything else, adding a little too enthusiastically that she’s totally over that. Joan asks if Annie wants to talk about the note. Annie’s all, “Note?” Joan is referring to the note that the analysts spent six man-hours playing with this week. Annie reaches into her desk drawer and removes the “Dear Annie” note that Ben left her in Sri Lanka. So Jai-Jay DID take Annie’s book from her house. I bet he read her diary, too, because Jai-Jay is a Mean Girl. Annie gives Joan the specs on the paper, the ink, and even a bit of handwriting analysis, but Annie still can’t tell Joan what the note means. Joan nicely tells Annie that sometimes we just have to accept things as they are. Annie then agrees that maybe she does need a few days of R&R.
Cut to Annie in the bubble bath. I know you’re expecting me to get all pervy here, but I’ll be honest: You’re lucky this recap is getting done at all after the week I’ve had. Annie’s trying to relax when Danielle bursts into the bathroom. As Danielle is wondering what Annie’s doing for the next few days, Annie is checking to see if she’s properly covered by the bubbles. Seriously? I know that it’s network television and all, but Annie’s that modest around her sister? I don’t buy that for a minute. Danielle doesn’t care either, and tells Annie that she really needs some undivided loyalty right now. Michael is knocking on the door to get Danielle to come out. See, their 10th anniversary is coming up, and Michael has decided to play golf instead of celebrate with his wife. Annie puts on a judgmental face, and I’m going to side with her on this. Michael is already treading water with the whole “didn’t tell his wife he was unemployed” gambit. Now is not the time to de-prioritize, even if it is to play at Hilton Head with his new boss.
Danielle opens the door, and Michael says they can do something next month, but that doesn’t work for Danielle because Chloe and DAISY are currently at the grandparent’s house, and next month they won’t be. Then Michael gets embarrassed because he can see Bathing Annie via the mirror. Danielle calls Michael an idiot and shuts the door on him. Then Danielle makes it all Annie’s fault for not talking her out of marrying Michael in the first place, because if Maid of Honor Annie had done that, Danielle wouldn’t be losing the deposit on the hotel she booked for the trip. Annie’s pretty sure that a phone call could solve that problem, but Danielle wants Annie to go with her on the trip instead. Annie stammers a bit, but Danielle is persistent, so Annie calls her travel agent and books herself a Guilt Trip.
Back in Toronto, Hairy is still on his evening run when he flags a taxi cab. Hairy asks the driver how close to America $63 will get him. The driver sighs and tells Hairy to get in. They head off towards Niagara Falls, a mere 75 kilometers away.
Road Trip! Danielle and Annie are cruising along in their (green screened) automobile, and Danielle is reminiscing about the road trips they took as children, sleeping on the roof of the old camper their parents had. Annie panics for a moment, hoping they aren’t camping. Danielle – ever the suburban softie – OMGs that they are not. They will be staying in the Honeymoon Suite in Niagara Falls instead. This was Danielle’s idea of a big romantic weekend? The Honeymoon Suite (rather, A Honeymoon Suite, because I’m sure every other room in Niagara is a Honeymoon Suite) in the most clichéd place on Earth? Not very creative, is she? At least she’s listening to the J. Geils Band, although I would have chosen “Flamethrower” over “Freeze Frame.”
Gee. I hope they don’t run into Hairy while they’re up there…
Cut to a pair of bare legs walking along a hardwood floor. We pan up to see the legs end where a man’s shirt begins, and then further up to the cleavage and then face of Liza Hearn. She’s drinking her morning coffee, and looking in on Auggie who is sitting on the edge of the bed looking pensive. Auggie knows that Liza is staring at him, and says that it isn’t fair because he can’t reciprocate. Liza assures Auggie that he reciprocates just fine. In fact, Liza adds, Auggie’s “almost perfect.”
“Almost?” Auggie asks, as they relocate to the kitchen. Oh, Lord. We’re about to veer into Chris Rock territory here, aren’t we? Go ahead. Click on this (NSFW) link. I’ll wait…
…back? Cool. Liza begins to expand on her thesis statement, starting with how Auggie could drive a nicer car. Or any car, really, since Auggie doesn’t have one. She’s aware that Auggie’s blind, right? I’m sure that the CIA or the NSA or some think-tank somewhere has a KITT sitting around, but I doubt those cars are on the market yet. Then Liza says that Auggie needs a new job. Judging from Auggie’s exasperated “Here we go…” this is not a new argument. Liza claims that she’s just trying to reconcile the man she knows with his choice in employment. Auggie says that he’s a techno-geek who gets paid to play with all the cool toys. Sounds good to me. Liza thinks it’s more complicated than that.
Liza begins to bring up a shipping consultant (the Albion Group) out of London, but Auggie quickly shuts her down by reminding her that they had a deal. It’s strictly Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell between them. Liza’s all, “you’re right” and starts to apologize for being a pushy, boundary-disrespecting reporter by slinking up next to Auggie for a little Off-the-Record. Nice farmer’s tan, Auggie.
Liza and Auggie aren’t the only ones trying to clear up their lines in the sand. Back at the CIA, Arthur and Joan are discussing boundaries in their counseling session. Neither of them seems very into this, based on their defensive body language. Arthur says he’s picking up what the counselor is putting down, but that he’s not the one pausing Leno every five minutes to talk shop. It figures that Arthur would not only be a Leno viewer, but one that gets annoyed when “Headlines” or Jay’s witty banter with the band is interrupted. I bet Arthur’s eyebrows stay up late for Craig Ferguson, though. They’re hip like that. Now Joan’s all pissed because Arthur used the word “harp” and now she’d like to know more about her harpiness. The counselor reminds Arthur how they discussed the concept of specificity, and Arthur specifically says that Joan was the one going on and on about reading Annie in. Into what? Is Arthur angling for a threesome? Arthur says he would rather have been sleeping, or, you know, not sleeping (*wink*) and this embarrasses Joan. The counselor thinks they’re onto something, though, because he wants to hear about Joan getting naked.
Arthur starts in on Joan, saying that she can’t cut him off just because she doesn’t like what he has to say. As Arthur begins to say something else, Joan cuts him off. HA! She does a not-so-subtle head nod towards the counselor, and Arthur promptly apologizes to Theo (the counselor) and asks him what his clearance level is.
Cut to Theo sitting out in the hall, while Joan and Arthur continue their conversation in his office. Poor Theo. Also, it must be very difficult to have an EAP at the CIA when you literally aren’t allowed to talk about work. Joan says that Annie is burnt out, and they’re at risk of losing her altogether. Arthur says that the Good Ones get over it, but Joan says that she made the call to give Annie some time off. Arthur prophetically says that sometimes “fate intervenes.” Joan’s all, “Nostradamus says what?” as Arthur tells her of an Iranian National who defected from his Trade Delegation last night, and is now waiting at the border. Joan wants to know why this is their problem, because there’s no way she can get anyone up there that fast. “Except for Annie.” Do they know she’s already en route to Niagara Falls, or is Arthur just being a dick? Arthur pulls rank, and relates that to the Clear Boundaries discussion. So…Dick. Joan’s with me, and tells Arthur to hit the sofa tonight. Then she snarks at Theo on her way out. I bet that guy has a drinking problem.
Niagara Falls. Danielle and Annie are discussing the spectacularness of the (green screened) Falls, and Danielle starts prissing about how when Michael and she came there for their actual honeymoon (Danielle has been romantically uncreative her entire life, it seems) they didn’t have this awesome view. They were on the American side in a dumpy little motel. Wow. Good thing Michael busted his ass to give her the lifestyle she so clearly coveted – and no wonder he was scared to death to tell her he’d lost his job. I know that this episode is supposed to allow us to get to know Danielle a little better, but she does not impress me. Obviously she’s not my type (nor I hers).
Danielle then says that maybe they’ll find a nice man for Annie while they’re there. Annie’s pretty sure that well-adjusted single men do not frequent The Falls, but Danielle thought the busboy was cute. Yes…servants are adorable, aren’t they, Danielle. Danielle gets serious, telling Annie that she can’t mope over Sri Lanka forever. Danielle then heads off to shower, and tells Annie to order them up some spa treatments while she’s gone.
Stupid flashback to Ben Mercer and his chest hair sweater cliff diving while Annie takes pictures.
Back in the hotel room, Annie’s phone rings. It’s from the “Smithsonian.” Weird edit to half-way through the conversation, and Annie telling Auggie that her Farsi is “barely passable.” Auggie tells Annie that she’s got outs here, and that Joan will go to Plan B if Annie doesn’t want to get involved. Annie’s too anxious to get back her Teacher’s Pet Badge on Foursquare, though, and tells Auggie to set the meet.
Danielle walks out of the shower friddily-deeing over the pulsate setting on the shower (TMI?) just as Annie’s grabbing her purse to leave. Annie says she’s feeling crispy after the drive, and is going for a run. Danielle’s sad, because she thought they’d go see the sights, but Annie’s all, “later.” Danielle wonders if Annie’s going running in her dress, and Annie acts all embarrassed and “I’m such a silly girl.” This is a silly episode.
Annie is now in Danielle’s car and in a track suit, when Hairy knocks on her window. Aw…When Hairy Met Annie. Hairy holds up a cocktail napkin with Farsi scribbling on it, and asks Annie if he’s looking for her. Annie tells Hairy to get in the car. As they drive off, Hairy says that he didn’t see Annie in the coffee place. Annie says that was intentional. Hairy compliments Annie’s Farsi, and she thanks him by name (Mr. Rahimi). If they weren’t speaking in Farsi, making it necessary to caption this conversation, I never would have gotten that name. I’m still calling him Hairy.
Hairy switches to English, and says that Annie can call him Yahya or even Johnny if she wants. Nope. Still Hairy to me. Annie needs to see Hairy’s passport (and if you clicked through on the Chris Rock link earlier then you are now chuckling at the word “passport” the same as I am; I don’t just link to things for my health, you know…I’m here to educate), but he doesn’t have it. The Delegation requires its members to hand over their papers, to help ensure that they don’t run like Hairy did. Annie begins to follow-up on this, when Hairy cranks the radio. His iPod ran out of juice, and he just loves American Music. He starts rocking out, and Annie asks Hairy how much sleep he’s gotten. Hairy is Sleepless in Niagara, and jacked up on multiple espressos. He’s also very excited to be going to America with a real actual CIA Spy and everything. Annie tries to tell him that she isn’t a spy, and this confuses Hairy who is insistent that he called the CIA. Annie really needs to confirm his identity first, so Hairy hands over a card that he claims to use to get DVDs. I didn’t get a good look, so I don’t know if that was a credit card or a Blockbuster card. Hairy then goes off on how he loves the American Spy movies – Jack Ryan, Jason Bourne, etc. – and that’s how he knew to call the CIA.
Annie glances over and sees Hairy holding a picture of two kids. She asks Hairy if those are his children, and if they need to arrange to get them out of Tehran. Hairy gets all quiet and doesn’t want to talk about his family. Annie respects that, and the Hairy starts to “raise the roof” while stating, loudly, that he’d like to defect to the U.S.A.
Excuse me while I go watch Moscow on the Hudson, won’t you? It involved a hirsute foreigner defecting to the U.S.A. as well, and when Maria Conchita Alonso got in the bathtub, she was naked for real. I’ll be back.
Okay. I’m back. Hairy continues on that he’d like a new identity, and a house in West Orange, New Jersey. At least it’s not a ranch in Montana. (Seriously…how many movies is this episode going to crib from?) Annie tells Hairy that she can’t make any promises towards his future, but that she’s just there to determine if the information Hairy has is worth anything to the Agency. Hairy unzips his track jacket to reveal the package strapped to his chest, and is all, I got your valuable right here.
After Annie has a look at Hairy’s Package, she calls it into HQ. She tells Auggie that Hairy claims to have evidence of Iran buying military tech in violation of U.N. sanctions. Auggie asks if Annie has acess (sic – because this will never not be funny to me) to a scanner, but she doesn’t because she’s on vacation. I’d be willing to bet that the hotel has a business center or something, but that’s a public terminal and probably not very secure. Joan tells Annie that she’ll need to fax it all in on a secure line, then. Now, what do we know about Hairy? Jai-Jay says not much. Hairy seems to just be an average Yahya: studied engineering, finished in the middle of his class, applied for post-grad studies in the States back in ’96 but was turned down because he didn’t qualify. Not exactly a prime recruit for either side. Annie asks if the file says anything about Hairy’s family, but Jai-Jay says there’s nothing mentioned. Annie wants to bring Hairy across the border, but Joan won’t let that happen until the vet the file.
Annie’s at a loss now. She explains that babysitting Hairy isn’t a real good option, since she’s on vacation with her sister and everything. Right on cue, she hears Danielle yelling. Annie was being a bad spy and babysitter, sitting at a café table far away yapping on the phone and not keeping an eye on her ward. As a result, she didn’t know that Danielle had discovered Hairy sitting in her car. She’s not happy about the Scary Hairy man being there, and is slapping the hood and yelling for Hairy to get out of the vehicle. Smooth move, Annie.
Danielle is giving Hairy 5 seconds to “Put. The fruit roll-up. Down.” And to get out of the car or she’s calling the police. Annie runs up to Danielle, much to Danielle’s relief, because the valet is trying to steal her car. That’s borderline racist, Danielle. Hairy wants to know what a valet is. Annie tells Hairy that it’s okay to get out of the car, and tells Danielle that Hairy is an Iranian dissident who is assisting the Smithsonian to recover some art that was looted when Tehran fell. Hairy catches the snap, and explains that he was in Toronto and always wanted to see Niagara Falls because it’s very romantic. The word “romantic” brings Danielle back to her happy place, and agrees with Hairy while saying that Annie doesn’t think so. Annie protests that assessment, and Danielle asks about Annie’s run. Annie says she got a last minute call from work and she didn’t want to bother Danielle (who worries about the long hours Annie puts in), and now that it’s all about Danielle again she’s sorry and embarrassed about the whole thing.
Danielle wants to take Hairy sightseeing, but Annie says that they need to fax some documents back to DC, and Hairy really should rest after his long flights. Danielle thinks that the best way to shake off the jet-lag is to power through it and get on the new time zone. It’s either sightseeing, or Danielle goes with Hairy and Annie to the fax machine. Sightseeing it is, then. Annie pulls Hairy aside to make sure he understands the concept of “undercover,” and Hairy’s good to go. He’s off with Danielle while Annie stands there looking worried, because she’s watched some TV before and knows that things are going to go awry sooner rather than later.
Faxing documents on a secure line means that Annie had to buy a fax machine, and is now back in the room sending the papers through via her iPhone. There’s an app for that? While she watches the pages feed through, we’re treated to another flashback to Sri Lanka. Annie’s browsing for clothing at a street vendor while Ben haggles nearby with another shopkeeper and a Mysterious Figure in a baseball cap. Ben comes over with “his and hers” sunglasses. That seems shady. (Sorry. Don’t get up. I’ll fire myself.) Annie comments on the intensity of the negotiations over the sunglasses, and Ben deflects saying that he knows a nice beach they can go hang out at. “You’re looking to get lost,” Annie metas, as we’re brought back to the present by the dulcet chimes of an empty fax machine. Annie starts to feed new pages through.
Meanwhile, Danielle and Hairy are decked out in their finest Tourist Ponchos, as Danielle is going on and on about how her husband bailed on their Second Honeymoon and how this will eventually lead to a sexless marriage and oh my god make her shut up. Hairy sides with Danielle, and that makes him a “good listener.” No. It just makes him a well-trained husband, amirite? Danielle asks if Hairy is married, and he says that he was once arranged to be wed, but that he’s currently un-betrothed. He offers to show Danielle a picture of his would-have-been, and pulls out the same picture Annie saw earlier. Hairy and this girl (Roudabeh Baktiar is her name) never married because her family relocated to America when the Shah fell and Khomeini took over Iran. Hairy never thought about marrying anyone else, because he never loved anyone else. Danielle thinks this is all very romantic and Shakespearian. I think Danielle has lived a very sheltered life.
Danielle asks Hairy if he knows anything about Roudabeh now. Hairy says that she grew up, and married someone else, but that he saw on “the Facebook” that Roudabeh is getting a divorce. Hairy is hoping that if he can get to America, he can have a second chance with Roudabeh. And with that declaration, my interest in his story went right out the window, because this episode just turned into a RomCom. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the lengths some people will go through to connect with their One True Love, and I don’t expect a lot of Deep Thoughts from any USA show about Global Politics, but all this does is bring it around to Annie and Ben and…let’s just get on with it.
DPD. Jai-Jay’s got the 411 on Hairy, and he is involved with a smuggling ring, but nothing serious. Just Camels. Probably Camel Lights, too. Smokes and booze are Hairy’s game, not weapons or other Very Bad Things. Not likely to be much of an asset to the CIA. Maybe to the ATF?
Back in Niagara, Danielle and Hairy are now playing Skee-Ball when Annie catches up to them. Hairy has taught Danielle some Farsi, too, as they both shout an Iranian exclamation, knock their balls together, and launch a coordinated attack on the 50-point holes. That sentence looks a lot dirtier than it sounded in my head. Danielle tells Annie that she’s missing all of the fun. Annie’s going to keep missing out, because she gets a phone call.
It’s Joan on the phone (that rhymes!) and after making sure that Annie can speak freely, Joan informs Annie that instead of handing Hairy off to the resettlement team, she thinks that he’d be a better asset back in Iran. Annie’s pretty sure that’s a silly idea and that Hairy is not in an Iran State of Mind. In fact, he’s kicking Danielle’s ass at Skee-Ball right now. Joan repeats that back, and Annie cuts her off (Arthur would be proud) and reminds Joan that “[she] did not volunteer for this op.”
BULLSHIT! She totally did. Auggie gave her the opportunity to waive it off, and she accepted the assignment of her own free will. That’s as good as volunteering, as far as I’m concerned.
Annie tells Joan that they need to honor their deal with Hairy, but Joan reminds Annie that there was no deal – none that Annie was authorized to proffer anyway – and despite what was implied or inferred, Hairy’s only a potential asset, and not a stray kitten. Joan tells Annie to get with the program and hangs up on her. Yay, Joan!
On the drive back to wherever they are going Hairy is understandably upset, and doesn’t know how he can go back after he ran away. Annie tells him that the CIA can create a suitable cover story, so he shouldn’t worry. Hairy thought that if his Intel was good enough, he’d be taken care of, and Annie tells Hairy that things don’t always go as planned. Hairy’s pretty concerned that, airtight cover story or not, he’s a dead man walking if he returns to the delegation and to Iran. He decides that he’d be better off on his own, and will find a way into America. Hairy jumps out of the car. With his Skee-Ball teddy bear prize in hand, Hairy is off through the crowd.
Now, in the Real World, my guess is that Annie’s higher-ups would be okay with this. The Intel didn’t pan out, Annie can go back on vacation, and either the delegation catches up to Hairy, or he does try to cross the border and becomes ICE’s problem. Right? We all know that this isn’t what’s going to happen in the show, because if it did it would be a shorter episode, but it’s what should happen.
This is pretty much what Joan is now telling Annie, too. Once the personnel arrive from the Iranian desk, Annie can read them in and then go back on vacation. Joan says that Annie did the best she could, but it’s not her problem anymore. Annie thanks Joan, but not in the “Sweet! Spa time!” kind of way; more in the “I’m about to go all Axel Foley on Niagara Falls” kind of way.
On the topic of sticking bananas into tailpipes, Arthur has called Auggie into his office. A picture has surfaced of half-naked Auggie and half-naked Liza Hearn working on getting fully naked together. Auggie tells Arthur that he’s not the leak, and that he’s running an op on Liza. Arthur isn’t sure that’s entirely true, since he’s the Director and all and this is the first time he’s hearing of any such op. Auggie knows he should have told Joan, but he was waiting until he had some actionable Intel first. Arthur then surmises that Auggie has nothing to report on, aside from “a good time.” Auggie begins to capitulate and profess his respect for the Chain of Command, but Arthur informs “Solider Boy” that he needs to start talking.
Auggie explains that whoever the Leak is, Liza Hearn isn’t giving it up easily. Her phone calls and e-mails are clean, but that just this very morning Liza asked Auggie specifically about the Albion Group. Arthur asks what Auggie told her, and Auggie says he told her the truth: He doesn’t know anything and if he did, he wouldn’t tell her anyway. Auggie explains that he’s trying to gain Liza’s trust, and can’t do that if he just starts handing info over on the first request. Arthur’s good with that, and grabs a file out of his desk. He sits back down and says that he’s going to tell Auggie a story. A story that only 17 people in the world know is a lie.
If Arthur is referring to President Bartlett’s MS, I think the cat’s out of the bag on that one. Just saying.
The ploy is simple: Auggie will tell the story to Liza. If she buys it, it’ll take her months to run down the fact that it’s a steaming pile. If she comes back on it right away, then that narrows the Leak Parameter down to those 17 people. Arthur wants to know when Auggie and Liza are going to “op” next, and Auggie say he can make this happen right now – because Spy Biz makes him horny, baby – but what does he tell Joan? Nothing is what Arthur prefers, because if the Albion Group info blows up it will take out anyone close to it and Arthur wants Joan “out of range.”
Annie’s back on vacation, and in a bikini, as she joins Danielle for some sunbathing. Danielle asks where Hairy is, and Annie guesses he’s in his room or something. Danielle then asks Annie if she heard about Hairy’s big date tonight. Annie’s all, Whuh? Danielle can’t wait to gossip about Hairy’s old girlfriend “Rudy” – and is it too much to ask that “Rudy” call Hairy “Buuuuuuuud” when we see them meet? – who is newly divorced and living in North Jersey, and whom Danielle took it upon herself to call on Hairy’s behalf. Rudy’s on her way up to Niagara now, to meet Hairy on the Observation Deck and isn’t it so ro-oh-my-god-mantic?!?! Just like Sleepless in Seattle! Except that A) “Covert Affairs” probably can’t afford to shoot at the Empire State Building since “White Collar” uses up the network’s entire NYC Location Budget, and B) I’ll make the pop culture references, there, Danielle. You just go back to reading Oprah Magazine or whatever and leave it to the professionals. Annie tells Danielle that she really shouldn’t have done that, but Danielle is insistent that someone needs some romance this weekend, if it isn’t going to be either of them. Annie’s gotta go.
Up in the room, Annie is calling in Rudy’s name to Jai-Jay to see what he can find. Jai-Jay’s concerned that Hairy’s playing Annie about who he is, what he wants, etc. Annie says that if Hairy’s a plant, Iran has a better sense of humor than we give them credit for. Joan walks up and takes the phone, and confirms that Annie’s off to find “Yahya?” “Yeah, Yeah,” Annie replies before hanging up and running off. Not seen: Annie face-planting on the floor because she tripped over her untied shoelaces. Joan tells Jai-Jay to patch her in with Toronto with updates every five minutes.
Joan then goes to Auggie’s office, only to find Random Agent in there instead. You remember RA, right? From “South Bound Suarez?” When asked where Auggie is, RA says that she thinks Auggie was summoned by the DCS. Joan’s perplexed.
Auggie is sitting on a park bench, waiting for Liza Hearn. Liza arrives, and is really curious about this meeting. Short notice…in public…essentially a WTF kind of moment for her. Auggie says it’s not like he does this sort of thing a lot, but if Liza’s willing to listen, he’s got a story to tell. Liza sits, all perked up at the thought of juicy CIA tales.
The Story Only 17 People Know Is a Lie: In 2007, after the Tsunami (I assume he’s referring to the Indian Ocean tsunami of 2004?), a ship allegedly carrying humanitarian aid sailed from Marseilles to Thailand, but was also carrying something else. Liza’s got her reporter’s notebook out and is quick with the follow-up questions. What was on the ship, Auggie? Guns? Drugs? Turbo-powered Malaysian Dildos? (I made up that last one.) Auggie says that Liza needs to contact Joachim Kuyper, who is now at a post in Mozambique and is the man who arranged the transport. Liza wants to know why he’s looking for Kuyper specifically, and Auggie states that Kuyper is part of the Albion Group, and is CIA. Auggie says that last part with a Walken-esque inflection that may or may not have been intentional, but it made me laugh anyway. I got a fever, and the only cure is more Christopher Walken impressions.
So why now, Auggie? Because he took what Liza said that morning to heart, and took a metaphorical look in the mirror, and could really use a friend outside the Agency. Liza asks if she’s a friend. Auggie certainly hopes so.
Back at The Falls, Annie is pacing the observation deck looking for Hairy. Just then, a small boy falls off the rocks, and Superman swoops in and saves him. I’m kidding, but I’d still rather watch Superman II than the rainy night sexy time flashback with Annie and Ben, even if it does involve Piper Perabo in another bikini.
This must be the night before Ben left Annie with a note, because he’s twitchy and nervous. Annie is supposed to leave the next day, and she decides to change her ticket whenever they can get to a phone again. Ben looks out on the beach and sees Mysterious Figure from the Sri Lanka Sunglass Hut standing in the sand. Ben makes up a reason to go out there, as Annie watches him approach Mysterious Figure. Then a cell phone rings, and we’re back in Niagara again. It’s Jai-Jay, wondering if Annie’s found Hairy yet. Annie then thinks to use the stationary binoculars, and spots Hairy in a poncho on the lower level, still clutching the now soaked teddy bear. Got him.
Down below, Rudy approaches Hairy. Only that’s not Rudy. Jai-Jay explains that Rudy said she’d fly up after talking to Danielle, but realized she couldn’t do it. Joan and Jai-Jay know this because they just spoke to her, and she’s still in New Jersey. Not Rudy asks Hairy how his run was, and punctuates her question with the appearance of Hairless, and Hairless’ gun. Just then, someone else’s quarter runs out and Annie loses the magnification. Joan wants to know what she sees. Annie says that there’s a man and a woman talking to Hairy. Hairy, meanwhile is trying to get away from Hairless and Not Rudy. Joan says that the Canadian Authorities have been notified, and tells Annie to stand down and “stay the hell out of it.” Joan wants clarification that Annie understands her instructions, and Annie hesitantly says “okay.” Joan and Jai-Jay share a knowing look.
Annie spends about two seconds thinking things over, and then heads straight for the lower deck, where Hairless and Not Rudy are escorting Hairy away through the tunnels that must lead to the boats below. Hairy says that he was just pretending to be a spy to get into America. Not Rudy tells him to stop speaking English, and that what little knowledge Hairy has is still too much. The trio doubles back to avoid some of the armed guards in the tunnel, while Annie is still in pursuit. Annie finds Hairy’s teddy bear on the tunnel floor, and tracks her targets from there. They ditched the ponchos, too, and went into a “Restricted Area.” Not very restricted, seeing as how Hairy, Hairless, Not Rudy, and Annie all went through the unlocked gate in clear sight of a guard without so much as a hiccup.
Down in the bowels of Niagara Falls, Annie walks in one direction while in the rear distance, three figures run across the screen in a perpendicular direction. If this were a long hallway with lots of doors, I’d think it was a Scooby Doo cartoon. Annie reaches one of the crossings, and sees the Iranian Trio briefly, before ducking back to avoid being detected herself. Once the coast is clear, Annie heads off to intercept.
Annie’s been made, however. First Annie sees Hairless bring Hairy out at gunpoint, then she gets greeted by Not Rudy when Not Rudy comes out beside her, and kicks Annie sideways. They brawl for a bit, but Hairless isn’t interested in the Chick Fight and levels his sidearm in Annie’s direction. Hairy knocks Hairless just as the gun fires, and the shot goes wild. Hairless and Hairy then topple over the railing, and down into the rushing water below them. Annie and Not Rudy continue to fight womano-a-womano, until Annie gets a hold of a section of broken railing, and knocks Not Rudy into the next commercial break with a blow to the face.
Annie can hear Hairy calling out for her, and when she looks over the edge she sees Hairy hanging from metal electrical conduits. Annie tries to reach Hairy, and Hairy tries to reach up, but he’s barely maintaining his grip on the wet metal as it is; when he lets go with one hand he can’t hold on with the other. Annie tells Hairy to hold on – like, what else is he doing to do? – and retrieves a large chain from near where Not Rudy is unconscious. Annie lowers an end of the chain to Hairy, and he grabs on and climbs up while Annie pulls at the same time. Once Hairy is safe from a watery demise, they hug. Awww.
Back on the surface, Annie is talking to the authorities while Hairy gets his hands tended to in an ambulance. Annie approaches, and Hairy’s all, I knew you were CIA with a Kung Fu Grip! Annie neither confirms nor denies this, and tells Hairy that she was just talking to Joe McAfee who is with the NROC (National Resettlement Operations Center; he will also run virus protection software on your computer for a nominal fee). Annie says she can’t guarantee West Orange, but at least Hairy will be in America like he wanted. Hairy can’t believe he was so stupid to hold onto the fantasy of Rudy for so long, only to have her betray him. Annie explains that Rudy didn’t betray anyone; her phones had been tapped illegally. So it was all Danielle’s fault, then? Awesome. No time to explain that to Hairy, though, because McAfee’s there to take him in for processing. Annie gives Hairy back his iPod, and then welcomes him to America in Farsi. Hairy thanks Annie in English, and they hug again. Hairy says to say goodbye to Danielle for him. Annie says she will, and then suddenly remembers that she actually has a sister, and runs off to find her.
When Annie gets back to the hotel room, Danielle is no where to be found, until she slinks out of the closet in a bathrobe, looking all elusive and freshly laid. Is it a bellhop? Nope. It’s Michael in the closet. He came to his senses and joined his wife after all, the “romantic little bastard.” That’s Annie’s cue to leave. Danielle offers to get Annie another room, but Annie’s headed for home instead. It’s been a long day. Danielle notices all the police activity down at ground level, and Annie’s all, “really? Hmm.” Annie’s out of there, while Danielle goes back into the closet.
Back in DC, at Allen’s Pub, Auggie is seated at the CAUSABLT when Liza approaches. Guess what? Joachim Kuyper? Liza knows he’s a bullshit story already. Jai-Jay is shooting darts. He’s also wearing a baseball cap with his work clothes, and I’m sorry, but Jai-Jay is not a hat person, and he looks stupid, and…WAITAMINUTE! They’re going to make him be Mysterious Figure, aren’t they?
Annie, meanwhile, is on her way back with a couple bottles of Sponsored Brew when she spots Liza and Auggie together. Auggie thinks that Liza must be mistaken, but Liza is giving him credit for the whole “conflicted man with a conscious” routine, before calling back to the “almost perfect” line she used that morning, and storming out. No more exclusives for Auggie, I guess. At least we know the leak is one of 17 people, but I’m going to say that it’s…
…Henry Wilcox. It’s the only logical choice, really. He’s the only one who can create conflict for everyone. Plus, this show hasn’t really been all about the clever reveals (see above re: Jai-Jay/Mysterious Figure). Not that there’s anything wrong with that; it’s just not the show’s MO, you know? Plus, you cannot bring Gregory Itzin into the show without making him the Big Bad. You just can’t. Ever since he played President Logan, I think it’s mandatory.
Annie sits down, and asks Auggie if he wants to talk about it. He doesn’t. Then Annie looks over and sees Jai-Jay, and the ball cap, and we can cue the flashback in 3…2…1…*BOOM*. Yup. Beach. Ben. Vendor stand. Mysterious Figure = Jai-Jay. Shocking.
Back at the office, Annie’s staring at the note Ben left her, and having more flashbacks to Ben and Jai-Jay on the beach, to waking up to the note, to crying. She then takes a lighter out and burns the note, dropping the OFFICIAL CIA EVIDENCE she’s destroyed into the trash bin as we fade to black before the smoke alarms and sprinklers go off.
NEXT WEEK: The Dramatic 2-hour Season Finale Extravaganza. My already tired fingers can’t wait.