What oh what will be the next seemingly incongruous medium that major film companies will mine for familiar branding in order to turn out thinly related movies to cash in on the name recognition? Television has been mined to death (but I assure you it is not close to over) and a few video game releases still make to the screen every year. Books and comics obviously. Board games is the flavor of the labor right now as games such as Battleship and Candy Land are being steered to the big screen. Other miscellanea include social networks (the Facebook movie The Social Network) and the sports stat-geek-centric seminal work called Moneyball which is the most familiar and accessible book that discusses baseball Sabermetrics (though I’m sure the movie will focus more on the aspect of running a competitive baseball team on the cheap without getting Bill James all up in here).
It’s not like riff-raff are being being sacrificed to make these movies either. Ridley Scott’s name has been attached to a possible Monopoly movie, Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights, Hancock) is directing Battleship, David Fincher (Fight Club, Se7en) is directing The Social Network, and Brad Pitt along with Phillip Seymour Hoffman are starring in Moneyball.
So what cultural construct with potential movie-goer resonance is left?
Television commercials.
To start with, commercials are a well paid ad company’s best shot to brand a product and establish top of mind awareness in only 30 or 60 seconds. So the groundwork for market and target group is already laid. And Hollywood loves nostalgia. In fact, they love it so much that it’s cheapened the impact of nostalgic moments in our lives – especially for those of us that grew up in the 80s. That love for nostalgia and the linear style of commercial advertisements during Reganomics (as opposed to the largely non-sequitur modern incarnations) will be a vein where movie studios will hope to strike gold.
What follows is a list of what I feel are some of the most likely commercial advertisements from the last forty years that could well be on their way to the big screen to endlessly entertain the masses.
| Commercial: Massengill Douche
Film Title: “Fresh Start” Story: A mother and daughter drama where the two warring women fight over the same man before growing closer than ever before. Talent Involved: Screenplay by Nicholas Sparks. Starring Meg Ryan & Lindsay Lohan (after prison). |
|
| Commercial: Bud Light’s Spuds McKenzie
Film Title: “This Spud’s For You” Story: A raunchy R-rated comedy about a dog that gorgeous ladies flock to – a real bonus for its owner. Talent Involved: The big screen break for Charlie Kelly, from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, as Spud’s owner. |
|
| Commerical: Dominos Pizza The Noid
Film Title: Avoid the Noid Story: An animated tale of the trouble making Noid and one family’s attempt to rid themselves of the pest. Talent Involved: A Pixar production featuring the voice of Tracy Jordan as The Noid. |
|
| Commercial: Life Cereal’s Mikey; He likes it!
Film Title: “Mikey” Story: PG-13 horror movie about an all-American favorite child who becomes a flesh eating zombie and terrorizes the neighborhood. Talent Involved: Very little. A Platinum Dunes production. |
|
| Commercial: Coke’s iconic Mean Joe Green & boy
Film Title: “The Last Sack” Story: A retired over-the-hill linebacker is brought back for a playoff run by the son of his former coach while nursing a relationship with his own estranged son. Talent Involved: Black Dynamite’s Michael Jai White |
|
| Commercial: Keebler Elves
Film Title: “The Elves” Story: An 80 minute live-action movie covering the exact plot of the commercial to the right. Talent Involved: Werner Hertzog directs. |
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| Commercial: Lunestra sleep aid
Film Title: “The Bad Sleep” Story: As a pre-emptive strike leading up to invasion, an alien parasites that looks like glowing moths cause a violent transformative effect in the sleeping victims of whom they come in contact. Talent Involved: Also inspired by the Scott Sigler novel Infected. |
|
| Commercial: Jetta commercial from 2000
Film Title: “An American Roadtrip” Story: A road trip movie musical where each action in the movie corresponds with the song playing on the traveler’s car mp3 player. Talent Involved: Directed by the gifted Julie Taymor (Across the Universe, Titus). |
|
| Commercial: “This is your brain on drugs” PSA
Film Title: “Egg Head” Story: An unpopular high school science geek discovers a way to make an hallucinogenic drug from eggs and becomes the most popular kid in school. Talent Involved: A Jude Apatow Production. |
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| Commercial: Bo Knows…
Film Title: “Bo” Story: A retired multi-sport star athlete must take matters in his own hands when terrorists seize control of a football stadium on the night that the player is being honored. Talent Involved: Bo knows action movies. |
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*The above title photo courtesy of irargerich and is used under the Creative Commons License.
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For the Jetta commercial/movie, the action version could be that the car keeps getting into mundane accidents (a la commercials circa 2005).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtaXjzQQGE8&feature=player_embedded
I vote for “This Spud’s For You”! Charlie needs a break out role– I’ll be first in line
Yeah, I think that movie would be… like Adam Sandler when he was funny, but better.
Who watches commercials anymore?
Most of these are from 20+ years ago.
Me, I don’t have a tv or cable.