BLOWN AWAY: by “Piranha” [Review]

In theaters now, but you better hurry Directed by Alexandre Aja Starring Elisabeth Shue, Steven R. McQueen, Jerry O’Connell, Steven R. McQueen Rating 3.25 out of 5

It is a crime against all movie making that the backwash balderdash called The Expendables, led by what I can only guess is a brainwashing campaign to convince thirty-something chumps that what they’re seeing is good and not a floating turd, was the box office champ again this past weekend. This is especially so when Piranha, released this past weekend, is largely after the same target audience and is a vastly superior movie.

What Piranha has that The Expendables does not:

• Practical effects for the gore – and it is glorious!
• A villain, in the CGI piranhas, better than Eric Roberts.
• Elisabeth Shue who, though un-Botox enhanced (at least obviously), looks delicious, buff, and brings just enough of the acting goods in this lead role.
• You know that old odd guy in all horror movies that people run into that happens to know what going on? Christopher Lloyd. Yessir!

You know what else Piranha has? A seemingly endless scene of completely nude gorgeous women making out underwater while the camera provides shots and angles that I have no idea how made it into a Rated R cut. That is not even mentioning the endless parade of bare chests and buttocks. If you’re going to do an exploitation film, this is how you do it. I would think an unrated version would have a letter rating near the end of the alphabet.

This should not be surprising. Though ostensibly a “B Movie,” Piranha is directed by Alexandre Aja who brought the heat in a big way with High Tension and The Hills Have Eyes reboot.

Seismic activity creates a channel from a large lake in Arizona to an ancient underwater lake where prehistoric predatory fish have been surviving for millennias by cannibalism. Now they’re hungry for something else.

And that is bad news for a small South Western town whose population grows by over 20,000 teenagers on this Spring Break weekend.

Jake (Steven R. McQueen), finds himself lucking into any teenage boy’s dream job when the producer of “Wild Wild Girls” (like Girls Gone Wild, natch) hires him to be the location scout for his softcore pornographic spring break themed shoot.  Jake risks the anger of his mom, Sherriff Forrester (Shue), to sneak away during the first day of break wile leaving his pre-teen siblings to fend for themselves.

That’s it for the plot – and that is all there needs to be. The movie’s narrative switches back and forth between Sherriff Forrester’s discovery of the piranha menace and her son’s adventures with the Wild Wild Girls and sleazy producer Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell).

There is also a team of scientists who show up to investigate the underwater lake, but the acting from that group is very subpar, especially from the group’s leader  Novak (Adam Scott).

The kills throughout the film leading up to the finale are various levels of good to great gross-out, but the literal bloodbath of the finale is worth the price of admission (in this 3D flick) even if you are not into exploitative but innocent nudity.

Speaking of 3D, there is very little point to it in the film. I didn’t feel ripped off at matinee 3D prices and an 89 minute running time, but I would hesitate recommending this movie at the evening 3D prices. Not because the movie is bad, but because the price for 3D and prime time is simply not worth it but for the very best of films – which generally aren’t in 3D anyway.

If you’re looking for a good time at the movies for a man’s night out, skip the Stallone helmed abortion and check out Piranha instead. If you can find it in glorious 2D, all the better.

Coop says: 3.25/5

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