Scoundrels: “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” [Recap]

Previously, on “Scoundrels”: Nothing, I guess. The show goes off the air for a week after only two episodes and ABC doesn’t think to put a review before a new broadcast? That’s no way to increase your abysmal ratings, show. You can always read the recaps of the first and second installments, though. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Back? Awesome. Let’s continue, then.

After some establishing shots of the greater Palm Springs area, we find ourselves in jail. Cheryl, Heather, and Hope are all there to visit Wolf, much to the whistling approval of the other inmates. Wolf is displeased at the attention, but Heather blows it off, saying she hears whistles all the time. Hope beats me to the punch line, saying it’s just the noise between Heather’s ears. Wolf and Cheryl have been reading the recaps, too, as they back-and-forth some exposition about Cheryl’s toilet paper caper, and how now that Cheryl’s unemployed she could always go back to the shop and work for Charlie. Cheryl’s got other plans, though, as she’s off to Alan and Lexie’s “I Beat Cancer” party. Do we know who they are?

Alan and Lexie’s. I guess we’re about to find out. Nope. They’re new. Cheryl apologizes for not coming around much, what with her husband in the clink and all. Alan excuses her absence, as he and Lexie sometimes forget they’re not the only ones going through hard times.

*record scratch* Wait a minute. Did Cheryl really just compare her husband’s incarceration in the Nicest Prison Ever™ for committing a crime willingly to a couple dealing with cancer, something they didn’t ask for or ever want? And did that couple just agree with her? That’s some serious bullshit, show. Seriously.

Anyway, Lexie is off on a trip to Paris to celebrate her recovery, while Alan plans to stay behind to deal with his business. He takes his leave to go speak to his German Import Guy, and Cheryl is impressed that Alan trusts Lexie enough to let her go to Paris alone. “Wolf goes batty if I go to a party without him.” GOD! Selfish much, Cheryl?

Charlie is at the party, looking out of place in his wifebeater and open shirt. He’s chatting up Hope at the hors d’oeuvre table, talking about how Cheryl must have needs. Hope’s as grossed out about that as I am when she gets a call from Logan, who is missing the party because he’s too busy working on Wolf’s appeal and on a case for the “Kowear” tribe – you remember them from the last episode, right? I don’t know what that tribe is, and my closed captioning isn’t working, but I have to assume they’re saying “Cahuilla”, since that is the predominant tribe in the Palm Springs area. My bad for not looking that up last week. I guess Avenue Q was right.

Anyway, Logan needs to learn some Cahuillan, and fast. His firm thinks that he’s part Cahuillan – just one of the lies he told to get hired; he is a West, after all – and Hope happens to speak the language. After bartering over payment plans, Logan hangs up when a colleague interrupts to talk about the Big Corporate Cahuillan Case that Logan is working (by actually being racist) and to wonder if the “West” that his uncle the judge just put away is related to Logan. The firm has no idea of Logan’s genetic heritage, you see. Way to screen your employees, Law Firm.

Alan and Lexie’s. Heather is flittering about when Alan approaches. Heather turns paranoid, because apparently Heather and Alan got up close and personal last night. I wonder what that’s all about. Cut to Cheryl getting accosted outside of the bathroom by Drunk Charlie, who offers his services for “anything” until he leans in for a drunken hug and is removed from Cheryl by Alan. How chivalrous. More exposition about how Alan used to be in the game, but went legit and did so much better. He then offers Cheryl the office manager job at his business, and she accepts. They clink glasses. I hope she knows that the “benefits” of the job include medical, dental, and sexual, because Alan failed to mention that last part.

Law Firm. Logan is web-surfing news stories about Wolf’s conviction (would the theft of lobsters in Palm Springs really get that much press? Logan has, like, 5 windows open) when his boss and the Racist Colleague come in. Logan quickly alt-tabs to “Cahuilla Nation On-line” – a website that doesn’t exist, but does confirm that I found the right tribe – as his boss tells him that Racist Colleague is now on the case with him. Law Boss continues to go on about how this is a landmark case while making karate chop gestures that look so familiar…

HOLY SHIT! That’s Marshall Teague! You know…Jimmy, Brad Wesley’s pit bull of an enforcer from Road House? The one that killed Wade? Man…dude has gotten OLD. I almost didn’t recognize him with that full head of silver hair. I am happy to report that his throat grew back, though. God, I love that movie so much. One of the best shit-kickers EVAR. I’m going to go watch it right now.

Almost 2 hours later: …and then Tinker says, “A polar bahr fell ahn me” as everyone around him starts to laugh. Cue the Jeff Healey (RIP *sniff*), and the naked Kelly Lynch swimming in the lake, and roll credits. Hot damn. Never gets old, that movie. Never. (RIP, Dalton. *sob*)

Jail. Hungover Charlie is visiting Wolf. They talk about Cheryl, and Wolf worries that it’s only a matter of time before someone starts to make a move on Cheryl. Charlie thinks Wolf is talking about him, but Wolf singles Alan out as the number one suspect. Charlie is then tasked with keeping an eye on Cheryl, after telling Wolf about the office manager job she accepted.

Law Firm. Hope is flash-carding Logan with some Cahuillan phrases, but Logan is too worried about being caught in his web of lies and losing his job and Wolf staying in jail. He needs to win this case, but can’t find anything on the CEO’s to use against them. Hope watches “The Wire,” and tells Logan to follow the money. Duh. Logan’s an idiot.

Alan’s Car Lot. Cheryl pulls up and gets a big hug from Alan. Charlie is conducting surveillance from a van across the street, and begins to dictate notes into a Walkman. Yes, a Walkman. Must be a fancy model, because I never had one that could record. Alan shows Cheryl to her desk, piled high with papers and bills and other office minutiae. He then hands Cheryl a wad of cash, calling it an advance, and then begins to flatter Cheryl in a way that she interprets as flirting. Cheryl says no to the flirting, offering both the cash and the job back if it continues. Alan understands, and walks off.

Casa West. Heather is off to “modeling class” looking like a three-dollar trick. Cheryl wonders where the money is coming from to pay for these classes, and Heather lies that she got a scholarship. Hope snarks about that, Heather snits back and leaves. The phone rings, and it is Wolf calling home to tell Cheryl that she needs to quit the job, because Alan is a dick. And has a dick. And can’t keep it in his pants. Cheryl says Wolf is just jealous that Alan went legit and it worked out (the going legit, not Alan’s dick), and hangs up on Wolf, who starts a fight with another inmate to relieve some stress.

After dinner, Cheryl asks Hope if Heather has a boyfriend or something. Hope cites the West Code of Honor and how she can’t rat out a family member by telling Cheryl to check Heather’s underwear drawer. Hope and Cheryl weren’t facing each other, so the *wink* is implied. Cheryl finds what looks like standardized test answer sheets, with the little bubbles, and sighs loudly. I don’t get it.

Cut to a strip club where Heather is waiting tables. She bitches to her boss (the To-Go guy from the last episode) about the lack of legitimate modeling scouts in the establishment. I mean, really, right? Heather’s an idiot.

Law Firm. Logan and Racist Colleague are studying briefs. RC decides to call it a night, calling Logan “Tonto” on the way out. Logan then gets an epiphany and starts going through a file of receipts, until he finds some notes on the back of a take-out menu. These notes outline how to skew hiring practices in a way that will force insurance premiums to rise. Because that’s where I’d put them, amirite? Logan does a victory dance and hides the notes away where RC can’t find them.

Casa West. Heather returns home from “class” and Cheryl is waiting. She holds up the forms she found – which are now clearly pay stubs from the now named Sparkle Club, as determined by the HUGE logo taking up almost two-thirds of the full-size stub. That’s not very environmentally friendly, Sparkle Club. Have you considered going paperless? Cheryl yells at Heather for stripping; Heather yells that she’s just waitressing. More yelling, some stomping off, and then Cheryl sighs. Some more.

Law Firm. Logan just getting to work, and tells RC to stop by his office. Looks like RC’s already been there, though, because Logan’s carefully hidden menu is gone. Logan breaks into RC’s files to find it, and is caught. They stare down, and talk smack about each other’s families, and then Logan leaves to call Cal about something for him and his Clowns. I bet it’s criminal.

Casa West. Cal and Cal’s Clowns are Xbox-ing while Logan tries to explain the plan, which is to break into RC’s place and steal his briefcase. Cal thinks it’s funny that Logan can’t afford his own briefcase. I think it’s funny that I’m still recapping this show. We all have problems, Cal.

Jail. Heather is visiting Wolf, and Wolf’s black eye. Because he slipped. In the shower. Now, Wolf…I’m sure that the counselor has some nice literature on Prison Spousal Abuse you could read. You don’t have to be a victim. Heather excitedly tells Wolf about her great new job at the Sparkle Club. Wolf is understandably concerned. Heather says that she’s only waitressing and that Robbie (aka “To-Go”) has modeling connections. She doesn’t add “in porn” like I do, but she’s not reading from a fortune cookie either, like I am. Heather plays the Daddy’s Girl card, and gets Wolf agree to let her keep the job over the objections of Cheryl. What a family of hypocrites.

Alan’s Car Lot. Cheryl needs a signature, and Alan senses she’s not okay. Cheryl talks about Heather and the Sparkle Club, and Alan confirms that she’s just waitressing. He knows this because he was in there for a drink the other night (is that all that happened between Alan and Heather? Really?) and…Cheryl gets all haughty about his wife with cancer. Alan explains that he’s been lonely, and knows that Cheryl must feel the same way sometimes, and why don’t they go get a drink. Smoooooooth. Cheryl says no, and gets up to leave. Alan follows her to her car, still trying to get Cheryl to hang out. Like his dick. Dinner? No, again, but Cheryl thanks him for the offer all the same and give Alan a peck on the cheek. Charlie observes this from his van and dictates into his Walkman all about it.

Jail. Charlie is playing back his Walkman for Wolf. WOLF SMASH!

Casa West. Heather is in her “waitress” outfit, going to work. Cheryl: “NO!” Heather: “Daddy said. So There.” Cheryl: O.O >.<

Jail. Cheryl wonders why Wolf wants his daughter to be a hooker. Wolf blames Cheryl and her “pretensions” for forcing Heather into a paying job at all. Wow. Father/Husband of the Year, huh? Then they bicker more about Cheryl working for Alan, and how Alan only wants in Cheryl’s pants, and the rampant hypocrisy continues. Wolf actually implies that Cheryl and Alan have already done the deed, and Cheryl tells Wolf to just keep his head up his ass. Probably sound advice in prison, because the head up your ass might as well be your own. At least you know where you’ve been.

Alan and Lexie’s. Cheryl knocks on the door. She could use a little commiserating. Sure. Because I’ve never watched scripted programming before, I had no idea this might happen. Seriously… why Sergeant Tony doesn’t just go all “24” on them and plant a suitcase nuke in their house is beyond me.

Alan is pouring Cheryl two fingers (heh) of what looks like Jagermeister. I guess you go with what works, huh? Cheryl downs her glass, as Alan smooooothly replaces it with his. Wolf’s an asshole, Alan and Lexie were about to split up before the cancer, everyone deserves to be happy…and Alan goes in for the kiss. Cheryl is *this close* to reciprocating when she pulls the brakes and goes to leave. Alan stops her, but Cheryl can’t prove Wolf right. It’s not about being faithful; it’s about winning the I’m More Right Than You Game. Sign #573 that your relationship is probably over anyway. Alan presses the issue, and Cheryl, up against the wall. Cheryl still insists that No Still Means No, and leaves.

Law Firm. Logan is apologizing to RC for accusing him of stealing the evidence, no doubt as a ruse to help facilitate Cal’s upcoming B&E. Logan suggests they go out to dinner, and RC accepts the offer to “bury the hatchet” and calls Logan “Kemosabe” and makes a joke about “holding [Logan’s] fire water.” Ugh.

Sparkle Club. Logan and RC, and RC’s drunk. Logan talks RC into one last drink (Logan says “one more smoke of the peace pipe” and I cringe a little) and then goes up to the bar to get it. Guess who he runs into? No, really. Guess. Logan and Heather trade ‘Does Mom Know You’re Here?’s and Logan seems okay with the whole thing as long as Heather isn’t giving lap dances. Logan tries to call Cal, but gets his voicemail. I’m surprised Cal even figured out how to record an outgoing message, but I’ll bet Hope had to help him. Cal’s not picking up because he’s over at…

RC’s house, and he and the Clowns are too busy robbing the joint to pick up the phone. They load up, sample some of RC’s homemade porn (he likes being spanked with ping pong paddles), and leave, almost forgetting the briefcase. One of Cal’s Clowns goes back and grabs the porn. You’re a freaky clown. Probably a closeted Juggalo or something.

Sparkle Club. RC is piss drunk, and offers to buy Logan a lap dance. He solicits Heather, and when he gets all stupid about it, she knocks him back in his chair. RC’s out cold, so Logan grabs RC’s wallet and empties it of cash, handing it to Heather as a tip. Well played, siblings.

Jail. Sergeant Tony is there to see Wolf. Wolf wants to make a deal, giving Tony information in exchange for a more favorable appeal process. Sergeant Tony questions Wolf’s motivations, what with the Wolf Code of Honor and all. Wolf is serious, though, so Tony’s willing to listen. Perfect! Wolf can get home, THEN Tony can nuke the West’s house.

Casa West. Cheryl is fretting about Heather, and Hope is talking her down. Hope thinks Heather will survive even the cockroaches, and Cheryl says it’s not about survival, but instead about Heather’s future. Are they mutually exclusive? I don’t think you have a future unless you survive to experience it. Then again we are all really living life in the past. By the time the future gets here, it’s gone, and a new future takes its place, but then it’s gone again…whoa. That was way too deep for this show. Heather gets home, and hands over her tip money to Cheryl for room and board and “stuff.” Cheryl’s concerned that Heather is going to repeat some of the mistakes she made as a young woman. They small talk a little, and then sit in awkward silence.

Park Bench. RC is passed out, and awakens to see his pants hanging from the tree high above him. That takes me back, but you don’t want to hear that story, and my Mom might be reading this. RC sonuvabitches, grabs his trousers, and exits park right.

Alan’s Car Lot. Alan’s brought Cheryl a coffee, as well as a guilt trip for blue-balling him last night. Does this guy have any concept of the California State laws regarding sexual harassment? Alan starts the hard (ba-dum-*tish*) sell on how he feels about Cheryl, but she’s knows it’s all bullshit and tells him there’s no way. Just then, Sergeant Tony arrives, uniforms in tow, search warrant in hand. Ruh Roh. Also, no Deputy Dawg but there is a more clean-cut detective with Tony. He doesn’t say anything. NO SAG CARD FOR YOU!

Law Firm. Logan is greeting the Cahuilla Elders in their native (sorry) tongue. Law Boss Jimmy is impressed, and then turns his rage on RC, who stumbles in apologizing. Run, RC! He’s a trained killer! As Law Boss Jimmy returns to the conference room, Logan asks RC of he lost anything. RC says his apartment was robbed, and ah-hah’s that Logan “must be one of those Wests.” Logan plays innocents, but says they should go out again sometime. Maybe play a little ping pong. Logan turns away, and smacks his own ass for emphasis. Ok…I laughed.

Alan’s Car Lot. Alan’s being cuffed and stuffed for being implicit in an international car theft ring. Sergeant Tony said he got the news from a very reliable source, someone close to Cheryl. Cheryl: >.<

Jail. Cheryl’s gotten all slutted up, and is doing the slo-mo strut into the visiting area. There are hoots and hollers all around. Wolf is embarrassed, but not as embarrassed as he will be if Cheryl makes it known that he was the one who snitched on Alan. Cheryl says she could have slept with Alan, but didn’t, because she loves Wolf and always has. However, she’s not sure Wolf is that same man anymore, because he betrayed himself by snitching, and clearly has no faith in Cheryl. Cheryl tearfully tells Wolf that she won’t be coming around for a while, and walks out, covering up as she does.

NEXT WEEK: Wolf gets a furlough for 24 hours, and that leads to trouble. Shocking. I say at least there will be one episode without all of the clumsy jail house exposition visits. YAY!