Scoundrels: “Where Have You Been, Charming Billy?” [Recap]

I’ve made the executive decision to cancel the “Scoundrels” recaps after this week. I know. You’re heartbroken. We’ll all fill the void somehow. I’m really not liking this show, and with “Mad Men” premiering its new season next week quite frankly I’ve got better things to do with my Sunday nights. I’m not even going to bother with screencaps for this one. Let’s get on with it, then.

Previously, on “Scoundrels”: Still nothing. Either ABC doesn’t care anymore, or they just assume you’re reading these recaps. Well…what will they do next week, huh?

We’re right into the action this week as a criminal not named West is running down the street with a large bag in hand. Palm Springs’ Finest is hot on his trail in their cars, but this guy manages to duck them long enough to hide out in a trash bin while the cop cars drive on by. The flaw in the plan? It’s pick-up day. Dude gets tossed in the loader. Are there any smart crooks in Palm Springs?

Casa West. Cal’s got his head down on the counter, like he’s in a classroom time-out. Hope is commenting on the quantity of beer in the fridge, and Cheryl claims it’s what “Billy would have wanted.” OH! So the Trash Bin Bandit was the titular Billy, who is now dead. Darwin strikes again. This would also explain Cal’s mopiness. Heather meanwhile is more concerned with finding her red pumps. Hope snarks that Heather should be showing her respects, and not her “secret garden.” Heather gets off a funny of her own, and says that they can’t all be “Ms. Oldest Virgin in the West-West.” HAH! Besides, Billy would have wanted Heather to look like a whore, while Cal argues that the only thing Billy wanted was to not be dead.

Logan arrives in time for Cal’s double to hide his face completely, and Cheryl asks Logan to speak at the funeral. Logan thinks that Cal’s Double would be better suited for that, and in walks Grandpa West, who thinks it’s his already-late wife Rita who died. Because dementia is funny! Hope reminds GW that he’s already been widowered, and that the funeral’s for Billy. GW recalls Billy as a stray-cat, “fed him once, he never left.” Except that we just met Billy right before he died, so he was really more like that fly that sneaks in the back door on a hot day that gets about minute to introduce itself before I smash it into the wall with the nearest available implement.

Graveyard. Logan is giving his eulogy. Billy was a simple man, who liked simple things. Like children’s books with small words in them. All of sudden, Heather screams “Daddy!” only she’s not having a flashback to her job at the Sparkle Club. Wolf has arrived on scene, prison guard escort and all. Cheryl is not impressed, but everyone else is. Also, when Heather goes to hug Wolf I notice that her Black Dress of Mourning has a sheer back to it. Nice, Heather. She has to stretch up to hug Wolf, and I do damn near get a glimpse of her Secret Garden.

Wolf decides to take over the eulogy, and uses the time to insult Logan – first by saying that Billy was practically Cal’s twin, and then pretending to forget Logan’s name. Wolf’s a dick, but we knew that, right? After the funeral, Logan gets all angsty over it. He just wants his Daddy to love him. Poor Logan. A girl named Tanya then tells Cal that she’s single and available for morning, or rather mourning, sex. If he wants. Cal’s more interested in seeing Wolf, though, and thanks Wolf for the nice words. Then the guard tells Wolf it’s time to go back to the clink. Heather flirts with the guard – his name is Russell Binkley – and asks if Wolf can come back to the house. Russell says he has his orders, and Heather concocts the most ridiculous cover story ever involving rain, a car fire, and explosions. Russell agrees to a half an hour more, because he’s dumb as a post.

Casa West. It’s wake time. Logan’s grilling while Cheryl pulls Pigs in a Blanket from the oven. When Wolf arrives, Cheryl is even more upset than at the graveyard. Wolf distracts her so much she grabs the hot cookie sheet without an oven mitt. Cheryl goes to take care of her hand while Wolf pulls on a beer, looking smug and dickish. Then he follows Cheryl into the bathroom and starts hitting on her, attempting to make the visit conjugal. Cheryl tries to resist, but resistance is futile. Bow-chicka-wow-wow, right there on the bathroom counter. At their age? Someone’s going to hurt themselves.

Title card. I’d mention that an eight-minute cold open is excessive, but last week’s episode had a ten-minute intro. So this is shorter.

After the break, Logan is looking for Cheryl, and then realizes his worst nightmare when he walks in on his Mom and Dad doing it. He leaves to bleach his eyeballs while Wolf and Cheryl get dressed. Cheryl’s right back to being pissed at Wolf, regardless of the fact that he got her “into the sack. Sink. Whatever.” Cheryl wants to know how Wolf got out, and if this was some sort of a reward from Sergeant Tony for snitching on Allen. Wolf says he’s just trying to get with the new program of Doing the Right Thing, but Cheryl’s not buying it. She wants Wolf back to jail ASAP.

Logan’s in the kitchen, drinking, and still extremely wigged out by what he just witnessed. Hope is bitching about how much food the guests are eating, and Heather his showing off her glamour shots to Russell the Guard. In the pictures, she’s wearing the exact same dress she has on right now. Either her wardrobe is extremely limited, or the show’s budget is. Likely both. Furthermore, Heather doesn’t know the difference between Katherine Hepburn and Audrey Hepburn, and for that alone she’s now dead to me. To Hope as well, who has clearly had this argument with Heather before. Russell really just wants to go. Heather flips to her lingerie photos, and Russell – as well as the newly arrived Tad – sits right back down. Tad gets sent away, though, because he saw enough during the photo shoot 2 episodes ago. Hope tells Tad she’s got something more interesting to show him anyway.

Wolf’s manning the grill, while Tanya is still trying to woman Cal. She’ll do anything. Cal says his car needs washed, but not in a mean way. He’s just sad and oblivious. So…same as usual. Cal thinks that if he were on that job with Billy, Billy would still be alive. Wolf talks Cal down, and is actually kind of sweet and paternal about it, which Cheryl notices too. Cal asks about the appeal, and if Cousin JJ is making any progress. Wolf says that Logan’s on it now, and that while Logan is an “arrogant ass” – pot, kettle; kettle, pot – at least he’s got a brain, unlike JJ.

In Hope’s room, she and Tad are watching a DVD. Hope is very excited, because whatever movie they’re watching is now remastered and has a bunch of cool extras on it. Hope remarks at how well the actors in the movie look at each other, and suggest that she and Tad try it. After a case of the giggles, they lock eyes, have a running commentary on the similarity to the end scene of Sixteen Candles (saving me a paragraph of recap doing the same thing), and Hope dives in for a kiss. Tad’s curious about Hope’s motivation – Gah. Directors. – and Hope says that people do things like this at funerals, to affirm life or something. Tad’s cool with that, so they kiss again.

Cal, meanwhile, is confronting Cheryl over her personnel decisions. Cal claims that Logan won’t work hard enough to keep Wolf out of jail because they don’t get along, and that he spends more time in a courtroom than Logan, and then blames Cheryl for Billy’s death because of her stupid rules about going straight. Cal and his baggy jeans are done listening to Cheryl, man. Cal storms out, and Cheryl is shaken up.

Wolf is in the backyard holding court, Cal is getting drunker, and Heather is still distracting Russell the Guard. Russell really just wants to leave, however. He hates funerals and wakes since he just lost his partner a few months back. For half a second I thought the show was going to make Russell gay, but then I came to my senses and realized he’s probably talking about a dog. Turns out I was right. Heather suggests that they toast to Rudy, Russell the Guard’s former partner. She hands Russell a shot of something, and then Cal walks by. Heather introduces Cal to Russell, saying that they’ve both lost their best friends. There are fist bumps of Sorry, Dude. Then more shots. We also learn that Rudy and Billy were both really good at catching balls in their mouths. Write your own joke.

Back in Hope’s room, there is still kissing going on. Hope thinks they should move right onto the sex. Tad is worried about the house full of people, but Hope is all my door locks, dummy. Hope asks if Tad has a condom, and he pulls a rubber from his wallet that is…old. Hope goes to find fresh stock in Cal’s room while Tad looks a little freaked out.

Cheryl is cleaning up after the guests, when Wolf sidles up behind her and tries to get her to dance. Like earlier, she can’t resist Wolf’s charms. They dance. Everyone watches. It goes on for a couple of minutes, which saves me valuable recap time.

Russell is now passed out in Heather’s room. Wolf is pleased to hear that. Cheryl is concerned about GW, because she hasn’t seen him in a while. Heather says he’s not in the house. Oops. I think they forgot GW back at the graveyard. Shame on them. Cheryl says she’ll take care of it, just like she’s taken care of everything else lately.

Hope’s room. Clothes are off. Awkwardness is in the air. Once the action starts, Tad makes a crucial error: He calls out Heather’s name. Vanessa Marano does a really good job of playing hurt, vulnerable, angry, and scared here. With tears welling up, she asks Tads to go. She’s too good for this show.

Graveyard. GW is located at his wife’s plot. He seems fine, just hanging out conversing with his dead wife. GW says that Dead Grandma West took to Cheryl right away, but that he wasn’t so sure. GW thought Cheryl would clip Wolf’s wings, but DGW knew better. Good. More guilt for Cheryl.

Casa West. Hope is getting re-dressed in the bathroom, and bumps into Drunk Cal on her way out. Cal wonders why Hope is so grumpy, seeing as how she didn’t even like Billy. “Lose one of your best friends, then you can cry to me about it,” Cal dicks. Um, dude…she just did. Hope goes back to her room.

Logan goes into Cal’s room, but Cal is not interested in any brotherly bonding right now. Cal calls Logan a Mama’s Boy, and then Cal’s Double gets up and walks out of the room.

In the living room, Hope is asking Cheryl if she needs any help with anything, and if not, she’s going out for a while. Cheryl gives Hope a look, and Hope says that she had a moment of temporary insanity and she fine and she doesn’t want to talk about it and Cheryl doesn’t have to worry. Cheryl says she’ll always worry.

Storefront of Palm Springs Electronix. Cal is trying to pick the lock to the front door, which is really well lit. Lucky for him there is no one out at whatever time this is supposed to be. Logan comes up behind Cal’s Double and pulls off the ski mask. Cal’s pissed that Logan followed him, and Logan wonders why Cal needs to rob a store. Cal needs money to hire a real lawyer for Wolf. Logan thinks Cal is an idiot, and tells him that he’s not as good a crook as Wolf. Logan goes on to say that if Cal keeps it up, he’ll wind up a dead loser like Billy. Then they – or rather their stunt and body doubles – get into a fight right there on the street under the lights. Still no cars or pedestrians around. The fight ends when Cal kicks Logan in the junk. They both lay on the ground for a minute before Sam and Ralphing that they’ll see each other at home. Logan’s Double walks away, while Cal spots a construction site, and a digger, across the street. No good can come from this.

Casa West. The guests have finally left, and Wolf is lying down in the bedroom, enjoying the feel of a non-prison issue mattress. Cheryl walks in and Wolf starts in again with the wanting to do it. Way he figures it, they need to finish what they started back in the pilot episode when they were so rudely interrupted by the police. What about the bathroom? Wolf says that was “hello” whereas this will be “see you later.”

PCV. Tad is working or something, and Hope walks into the store. She asks if they have Sixteen Candles . Tad asks if she wants DVD or Blu-Ray. Um, Tad? That movie isn’t out on Blu-Ray. If you worked in a real video store, you’d know that. Hope begins to apologize for being weird, and Tad stops her thinking he should be the one to apologize. Hope goes onto explain that she was using Tad. She thought that they could just do it, and there would be no strings, and she could get the whole virginity thing out of the way. Hope realized that this was not the right way to go about it, and does not want to risk losing her Best Friend over this. Vanessa Marano, again, knocks this bit out of the park. I really hope she lands something better with her next gig. They decide that they’re cool, and that this day never happened. Tad thinks that “The Day That Never Happened” would be an excellent movie, kind of a reverse-Groundhog Day. I’d watch that. They go off to start writing.

Casa West. Wolf and Cheryl are in the post-glow, when Heather comes in and says that Russell says that it’s time to go. Wolf gets up to get dressed, and Cheryl tells him that when Wolf gets out for real, things are going to be different. Wolf says different isn’t always better, and that they made a pretty good life for themselves under the old way of doing things. Cheryl counters that the old way got Wolf locked up for five years, but Wolf is all I Am What I Am.

Outside, Russell pulls himself together while Wolf says his goodbyes. Logan walks up, and Wolf wants to know where Cal is. Logan wonders if Wolf cares about saying goodbye to him, and Wolf says there’s nothing he enjoys more. Then Wolf piles on saying that Logan’s a disappointment because he looks down on his family. “Like Father, Like Son,” Logan and I say in unison. Wolf sneers that they don’t even have that much in common. Father of the Year.

As Russell drives the van down the street, he’s suddenly blocked by a large construction vehicle, driven by Cal. Wolf asks to get out to talk to Cal, and Russell agrees, saying he’ll shoot Wolf if he tries anything funny, but Russell’s still too drunk to be taken seriously. Cal tells Wolf that his buddy Cruz’s family has a place in Baja and that Wolf should just go now. Wolf pulls his boy in for a hug, and says that he can’t, and that it would only make it worse for everyone. Wolf is very proud of his boy, though, because of what he was willing to do to help his Dad. Unlike Logan and his perfectly legal means. Asshole. Russell and Wolf leave again, and Cal starts walking home.

Casa West. Logan and Cheryl are talking in the backyard. Cheryl says that she met Wolf when she was sixteen, and for their one-month anniversary, he burned Cheryl’s name into her parent’s front yard using gasoline. Wow. Real charmer, that Wolf. Also, he spelled it “Sheryl.” Cheryl says she knew then she was in trouble, and that she still feels that same youthful spark now when she’s around Wolf. Logan swears that he’ll do everything he can to get Wolf out on the appeal, but Cheryl stops him cold. She loves Wolf with everything she’s got, but after seeing how everyone reacted to Wolf being present today, she realizes that it’s best for everyone – especially Heather and Cal – if Wolf stays behind bars. Logan’s off the case. Logan confirms this decision, and Cheryl says she’s sure about 10 times, each with varying degrees of doubt. Then there’s a long pull away shot, and we fade to black.

NEXT WEEK: The West Family has money problems, but they aren’t my problem anymore.

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