Covert Affairs: “Pilot” [Recap]

Before I get started, a quick review: This show is pretty awesome, and while not totally serious fare, it does fit in well with the basic USA Network show mold, and I think it’s got legs. I enjoyed watching it a lot, and think that Piper Perabo was outstanding. I did find her character to be a bit too much Sydney Bristow, and the plot was right out of Alias, but still I had a good time watching.

Previously, there was no show. There is a primer post here, though.

Interrogation Room. A polygraph test is being conducted. The proctor asks his subject to remain still, as the interview is about to begin. First, a few control questions that when answered tell us that the subject’s name is Annie Walker (Piper Perabo), she’s 28 years old, and lives in the Georgetown area of Washington, DC. She also speaks six languages, which she elaborates on, but the proctor is all business and tells her to stick to Yes or No answers.

Now the proctor gets personal, and we learn than Annie’s last serious relationship ended about two years ago. We see via flashback that Annie likes to run on the beach in a bikini. Already this is my new favorite show. The proctor asks, “You met abroad?” No…she met a dude. Can’t you see the flashback? I thought you CIA-types had all the thought police tech. Annie and NotAbroad make out on the beach, while Annie exposits that they met in Sri Lanka while she was backpacking and NotAbroad was teaching English. Proctor buzzkills that this was impulsive. The flashbacks counteract the buzzkill by showing Annie removing her bikini top, while NotAbroad (Eion Bailey) watches wide-eyed. Proctor wants to know if Annie and NotAbroad were in love.

Flashback answers with Annie speaking to a native boy on the beach, who is selling them shell bracelets that signify bondage. Or a bond. One of the two. Annie is either speaking Sinhala or Tamil, but for all I know she could be speaking Klingon. In English, back in the polygraph room, Annie answers Yes, they were in love, and the since the proctor asked, the sex rocked.

The proctor stammers that the relationship ended badly. Objection! Leading the witness. Annie overrules by answering the statement in the affirmative, and the flashback shows Naked Annie waking up next to a note that reads “The truth is complicated. Forgive me.” Flashback Annie cries as the proctor asks if this bothered her at all. Annie reviews the flashback and asks the proctor if it would bother him. That’s not a Yes or No answer, Proctor evades. Annie asks Proctor to repeat the question, but he’s moved on. What he really wants to know is can Annie keep her personal life and professional life separated. Annie absolutes that she can.

Camp Peary, aka “The Farm” (CIA Training Facility). Trainees are in a plane getting Drill Sergeanted about low altitude grip and rip spatula something or other, and Annie volunteers to jump first, and then she does. During her fall she plummets past the opening credits, which she manages not to hit. Good thing, as that might have made for a short episode.

Upon landing, Annie is greeted by two agents who tell her that she is to go with them. Annie is taken to the CO’s office, and there’s the standard What Did I Do Wrong followed by the unsurprising You’re the Best Everything We’ve Ever Seen. Apparently, Annie’s driving and lying skills are off the charts. I wonder if either of those things will come up later. Annie still thinks she’s in trouble, but now she’s on to if it’s about hooking up with the Tae Kwon Do instructor. CO rolls his eyes at that, but tells Annie that she’s to report to CIAHQ immediately to help with a case.

Langley, Virginia. Annie parks her shiny red VW Golf, and then pulls a Caruso as she practices her introduction in the rearview mirror. She gets out of the car and walks all of five feet to the entrance of the building. Is there Rookie Parking only in the front, like handicapped spots? That’s some serious parking luck, Annie. She’s greeted by Agent Conrad, who surmises she’s new due to her late arrival. He offers to help her get oriented – if you know what I mean – and Annie asks if waiting outside for the new girls is Agent Conrad’s thing. He half-jokes that he is both lazy and predatory, yes. Once inside, Annie gets all scanned and opticaled and photographed and fingerprinted and credentialed.

Office of Clandestine Services. Director Peter Gallagher (and his magnificent eyebrows) is holding an all-staff meeting to discuss how shocked…SHOCKED!…he is to discover that there are intelligence leaks at the CIA. He must be new, too. He throws words like “traitor” around as he holds up today’s edition of the Washington Recorder (not a real paper) containing an article by Lisa Kern containing classified information in it. Director Eyebrows continues on his rant while scenes of Annie taking her Oath of Service are overlapped.

Eyebrows: “In the end, all indiscretions end in heartbreak…”
Annie: “I, Anne Katherine Walker…”
Eyebrows: “…when the guilty party is caught…”
Annie: “…that I will support and defend…”
Eyebrows: “…and we are going to find out who has been leaking this information…”
Annie: “…against all enemies…”
Eyebrows: “…and they will be punished…”
Together: “…So Help Me God.”

Whoo! USA! USA! USA!

Outside in the hall is Auggie Anderson (Christopher Gorham), waiting for Annie. Auggie’s watch tells time audibly, and when Annie walks out of the room she’s scanned by a batch of green dots. Auggie is blind, you see, but he also works for the CIA so he’s got all these toys that assist him. He works in Tech Ops, and Julie McCoys that he’s Annie’s friendly neighborhood cruise director. Sweet. Where’s Gopher? His green laser is also his walking stick, which is kind of cool. Auggie tells us to insert an ironic joke here about the blind leading people around the CIA. I would, but I just can’t see it.

Annie notes that everyone around is so young. Auggie says that after 9-11 there was a huge recruitment drive, and now over half of the Agency has less than five years of experience. Well…that’s not going to help me sleep any better. Thanks, Auggie. Annie agrees with me, and Auggie lets us know that the CIA is a weird place to work. In addition to yearly polygraphs and a building-wide cell phone ban, the Agency really prefers that all personal relationships be in-house. “Like Club Med, but without the free drinks,” Auggie adds. Doesn’t this run counter-intuitive to the Big Deal the Proctor made about separation of personal and professional lives? Shady.

As they pass the cafeteria – complete with its own Starbucks – Agent Conrad joins the tour. Conrad only has seconds to hit on Annie again before getting ordered to join Director Eyebrows somewhere else. Annie confirms with Auggie that Conrad works for Arthur Campbell (aka Eyebrows), and Auggie answers yes, and that Conrad “acts like it, too” which makes no sense to me whatsoever. Why wouldn’t he act like it? It is his job. Should he act like he works at the Starbucks instead?

A&A arrive at Joan Campbell’s office (any relation to Director Campbell?), who is the head of the DPD, and Annie’s new boss. Dallas Police Department? No, it’s the Domestic Protection Division, and Annie’s on her own now. Inside, Annie meets Ms. Campbell (Kari Matchett), and is taken into the Ops Center. Annie asks Joan for some clarity into why she was asked to come to Langley, and Joan tells her she’s in the wrong business for clarity. Seems that the CIA would be the perfect place to get succinct and thorough information, but I guess not. Joan also tells Annie that the CIA is a hard place to be a woman, what with all of the patronizing men around. Joan is wearing a tight black dress with an extreme v-cut, and is sporting serious cleavage, so I guess she knows what she’s talking about.

Joan and Annie join Auggie again, and Joan asks Auggie to start displaying information on the screens. When Annie notes that the landscape in the pictures looks like a place she spent time in rebuilding structures after an uprising, Joan sneers Annie for being a “bleeding heart.” The main target of the case Annie is being assigned to is Stanislav Orlovski, aka “Stas”, a faceless figure in surveillance photos, but a man with a lot of tattoos. Remember that. He’s a native of Moscow, and turned informant for the FSB and is being hunted by all manner of bad guy. However, he’s now in the US and wanting to talk. Annie’s job is to help facilitate this information transaction. Auggie hands Annie a BlackBerry that is a dedicated two-way encrypted something or other, but I can’t hear the rest because Joan’s cleavage is taking up the entire right fourth of my screen and all reserve power in my ears gets re-routed to my eyes.

Annie is to hot-sync the BlackBerry to the same one Stas has, so she gets his information and Stas gets the codes to the bank accounts where his compensation is being held. Simple, right? We’ll see. Joan adds not to drink or sleep with Stas. Wow…I guess it is hard to be a woman in the CIA when even your boss, another woman who has her boobs on display, assumes you’re a slut. Oh, wait…that’s not why. Apparently Annie’s cover is as a call girl. That makes it all better then?

The reason for the hooker story is to make it look like Stas is in town to party, not sell secrets. Annie wonders why she got pulled from The Farm, but I guess the last girl in the position is gone now. Joan doesn’t elaborate on what “gone” means, but we can infer that she got dead. Annie stumbles around the concept of the Hooker Dress Code, but is told that her pant suit should be fine, as DC Hookers are fairly conservative. So are most of the customers, from what I read in the news. Hey-OH!

In another room, Auggie hands Annie a hotel room key and a pager. Does the pager shoot poisonous darts or something, because that would be awesome. Annie is to wait in the hotel lobby, and the pager will tell her where to go. “Just like waiting for a table at Friday’s.” Yeah, Annie, just like that. Annie wants to ask Auggie a question, and he pre-empts with the tale of how he was blinded (in an explosion while doing Special Ops in Iraq). Annie just wanted to know what his headphones were for, but at least we got some helpful exposition out of the way.

Capital Grand Hotel. Annie walks into the lobby as she unbuttons her blouse a little, which gets an approving nod from an operative outside. She’s wearing a black bra. Might be a demi-cup. I’d take the time to investigate further, but I’m only 15 minutes into the episode and already on my third page in MS Word. Pilot episodes take so long to get through. Anyway, Annie gets flirted with by a Spaniard, but she turns down his offer of a drink when her pager (and Bullshit Detector) goes off. She’s off to the Oval Suite on the 4th Floor.

Oval Suite. Annie keys in, and calls out for Stas in both English and Russian. She locates a man passed out drunk on the couch, who calls her “Kiitsu.” Remember that for later. Annie asks where the PDA is, which Stas thinks means “Penis Displayed Awkwardly” as he tosses the blankets off to reveal his open robe. So his bare chest is exposed. Remember that too. They go into the bedroom, and Annie tries to empathize with Stas over his betrayal of Mother Russia, and he locates his BlackBerry on the table by the open window. That’s probably the worst place for them to be, because the weather report called for a 100% chance of .50 caliber gunfire today.

Stas takes one to the head, two to the chest, and is thrown back on the bed. Annie begins to dodge, duck, and cover as the bullets fly all around her, exploding everything. She kicks off her shoes, and eventually makes it out of the room where another operative grabs her and escorts her out to a waiting vehicle while the sniper gets away.

Meanwhile, back at HQ, Joan and Director Campbell are arguing over lack of shared information, transparency, red tape, etc. About the case? No…about who Arthur is sleeping with. This misdirect is to delay the reveal that this is a marriage counseling session. I guess they are related, at least for now. Joan thinks Arthur is lying about not having an affair, because he’s blinking too much. Arthur offers to take a polygraph. “I got one in the closet.” Kinky. Joan gets called out of the room when word comes in about Annie’s Adventures in Russkiesitting.

DPD. Joan is debriefing Annie, who is frazzled, understandably. Joan admits that the situation was unusual, what with all of the potential death and everything, but they got the info and didn’t have to pay for it, and they can take Stas off the roll as a bonus. Auggie clears his throat, and Annie admits that in all of the bob and weave of trying not to die, she left the BlackBerry behind in the hotel room. Joan passive-aggressives that all the intel will be corrupted once the FBI and DC Police take it into evidence, and Annie catches the snap, saying she can go back in and get it. Joan says that they don’t just waltz into crime scenes and flash their badges, which they don’t even have. They don’t need no stinkin’ badges. Furthermore, she can’t be seen taking items from the room or risk being identified as having been there in the first place. Auggie interjects that she doesn’t need to take anything, but only needs to be in the room. Annie says she’ll think of a cover-cover story.

Annie is getting re-dressed when Auggie brings her another BlackBerry. This time all she needs to do is get close enough to the other two, and the device will extract data from both while replacing it with bogus address books or something. Simple!

Capital Grand. Annie slinks by all of the cops and FBI, and up to the Oval Suite, ducking under crime scene tape without any never mind from the attendant authorities. That’s unlikely, but okay. Thankfully at least one FBI agent is earning his paycheck, and stops Annie before she can get into the room. Annie gets her Bimbo on and tells the agent that she was there when it happened. Inside the room, “Amber Trousdale” is telling a different FBI agent that she was there meeting a client. They banter about prostitution, and Agent Rousabi gets offended when Annie thinks he’s only a detective. Annie sits down in a chair near the table where the BlackBerries are, and tells Agent Rousabi that she just wanted to be honest and come forward about what she saw. She was there to meet a Russian businessman named Boris, and it was the first time her agency had dealt with this client.

All I’m hearing in my head now is Sergei Malatov from “The Wire” complaining, “Boris. Why always ‘Boris’?”

Annie gives Agent Rousabi a fake name and number for her agency, and moves closer still to the table. She keeps talking, blocking off where she was when the shots were fired, and manages to activate her new BlackBerry without anyone seeing. Information is transferred, and starts to leave. Rousabi checks out her ass, and then follows after, wanting to know why she really came back. Annie squats down in front of Rousabi, and then stands back up with the shoes she left behind in her hand. She came back for them, because Christian Louboutins are very expensive. She walks out, and Rousabi ass-checks again. When Annie’s gone, he dials the phone number she gave him, which just routes back to Auggie anyway. Some random CIA guy high-fives Auggie for answering the phone like a pimp.

DPD. Auggie downloads the information off the BlackBerry, and it appears that most of it is useless and/or old news to the CIA. Auggie uses the term “Black Samsonite” (SAMSONITE! SAMSONITE!) which is old-school spook talk for when spies used to stuff their luggage with crumpled newspaper to make it look like they had something important inside when they really didn’t. [Edit: Apparently, he said "Light" Samsonite, which makes more sense. Doesn't work very well with the joke, though. Oh, well. - Elwood] Joan figures that either Stas was too stupid to know what good intel was, or that he assumed the CIA would be too stupid to realize it wasn’t good. Joan figures since Stas is dead, he was the stupid one. As far as she’s concerned, this is a done deal. Write it up, file it, and move on. “Stas is dead; long live Stas.”

Annie can’t decompress that fast, and she and Auggie exchange some clumsy dialog about how training for the work and actually doing the work are totally different. Auggie says she’s doing fine, and tells her that it’s time for Happy Hour. One drink, she tells him. He tells her she should drive. I roll my eyes.

The Tavern. A&A are walking to an open table, while Auggie is getting greeted by all of the ladies in the bar. He says that the women love a blind guy because they think the blind don’t care about looks. Auggie explains that he’s as shallow as any sighted guy, and he can tell how a woman looks by listening to how the other men talk to her. Conrad appears out of nowhere to prove Auggie right by hitting on Annie again, and goes to get A&A more drinks.

Annie wonders why Stas tried to sell them bad information, and Auggie just writes it off. Auggie asks why Annie got into the Agency, and Annie recaps the whole NotAbroad affair, and claims that she realized that her mistake was letting her guard down, and that joining the CIA would help her to not get burned again. Really? She should meet Michael Westen and ask how that’s working out for him.

Fancy restaurant. Joan is walking through when she finds Arthur and another woman together at a table. She walks right up and calls Arthur a liar. Arthur introduces Joan to Sheila Calhoun, Counsel for the Oversight Committee, and Sheila to his wife, Joan. Joan can’t believe what’s she’s seeing, despite Sheila’s protests that this isn’t what it looks like. Arthur excuses himself from the table and walks Joan off to talk in private. Joan presents him with phone records and restaurant reservation accounts and all kinds of incriminating evidence. Arthur is incensed that Joan would use valuable CIA resources to track him, and wonders why Joan can’t be a “good CIA wife” and trust him. Joan says she’s a wife who works for the CIA, which is different. She shoves the papers at Arthur and storms out of the place.

The Tavern. Annie, Auggie, and Conrad are profiling the girl at the next table. Based on the claddagh ring, crucifix, LSAT prep book, and the girl’s ability to hold her liquor, Conrad surmises that she’s from Boston College. Annie pegs her accent as Maryland, but not Baltimore, and with a touch of Irish. Auggie claims she’s fit because her heels made very little noise as she walked by and Conrad adds on that her light step means she’s training for a marathon. None of that seems deductively plausible aside from the Irish stuff, but whatever. Auggie calls for another round, but Annie’s got to go. She’s late for dinner at her sister’s – where she also lives in the guest house – and leaves Auggie ride-less. Fear not, however. Auggie’s got game, and with the information they’ve determined about the Irish Lass, he’s off to chat her up.

Annie gets in her car, which is parked right out in front of the bar. In Georgetown. Bullshit. Never in a million years did she get a parking space like that. Between that and her front row spot back at HQ I’m thinking that Parking Fu, and not language, is her real superpower. As she drives away, a black BMW begins to follow her.

The driver of the BMW is making no effort to remain unseen, and is weaving in and out of traffic to stay on Annie’s trail. Annie spots the tail, and slams on her brakes, causing traffic to halt. The Beemer cuts around the stopped cars and takes off past Annie. Citing the DEC method (Determine, Evade, Counter-Pursue), Annie takes off after the BMW and chases him all over the place in her VW Golf, showcasing her superior wheel skills, until she crashes into a product display outside of a bodega and her car won’t restart.

That problem is only temporary, however, as next we see Annie driving up to her sister’s house. Not a scratch on the Golf, either. CIA must have one hell of a detailer. Annie walks towards the door, looks in the window at the fancy spread that her sis is putting on, at all the couples over for dinner, and then sees a giant moustache which is attached to a lanky dweeb of a man. She puts her hair up and heads inside. Annie is greeted by her very excited nieces, who are then ushered off to bed by their father. Annie’s sister, Danielle (Anne Dudek) wonders why she’s late, and Annie’s all I forgot it was mustache night, and Danielle tries to spin it in a positive way, saying that Ethan (the mustache) is cute in an “Archie Comics sort of way.” That’s not helping, and Danielle continues to sell Ethan to Annie through their mutually boring jobs at the World Bank (him) and at the Smithsonian (her).

Once seated at the table we are treated to a PSA on What Not To Do to impress a date. Ethan tries waaaaaay too hard, likely to compensate for the huge Sphinx Moth Caterpillar on his upper lip. Seriously, man, shave that beast and you’re already 75% more likely to get laid. Ethan is small-talking his ass off and drinking a lot of wine. After dinner, we hear Ethan leaving – and apologizing for the chocolate mousse, whatever that means. Danielle thinks that went pretty well. Annie very much disagrees.

The next morning, Annie is woken up by her cat – a cute grey kitty – and gets ready for work. She heads into the house for breakfast just in time for her brother-in-law to leave for work and the nieces are sent upstairs to get ready for school. Still no names for any of them; I guess they aren’t important. Annie grabs a cup of coffee, and collects high-fives from the nieces as they leave. Danielle apologizes for Ethan being such a twat (my word, not hers), and Annie’s all bygones about it. Danielle presses the matter further, saying “I can’t believe her tried to kiss you.” This triggers the word “Kiitsu” in Annie’s mind – you remember that word from WAAAAY back at the beginning of this novel, right? – and she’s got to go. Danielle thinks Annie is mad at her, but Annie’s not, really. Danielle was just trying to help, because it’s been so long since Annie had a real relationship. Now Annie’s mad, but she still has to go.

HQ. Arthur is meeting with the reporter who wrote the article that had him so riled up at the beginning of the episode, Lisa Kern (Emmanuelle Vaugier). Arthur tries to charm Ms. Kern a bit, but she’s not into that, and tells Arthur that she won’t reveal her sources. Arthur says he only wants to help the people she’s talking to, help them to feel better about their workplace dissatisfaction. That’s what his mouth is saying, anyway. His eyebrows are screaming “KILL THEM!” Ms. Kern is willing to go to jail to protect her sources, and Arthur’s Eyebrows hope it doesn’t come to that. Arthur thinks that Kern wants recognition and relevancy, and tells her that he’ll be her source. Not on the record, of course. Kern still isn’t buying it, and says she’s immune to the seductive ways of the CIA. She can play that game too, only better, and with more style. Agreed. At least her brows have been waxed. She agrees to balance her coverage a little better if Arthur never calls her in for a shameless sit-down again. They shake hands and Kern leaves. Arthur is impressed and probably a little bit horny now.

At Georgetown University (or at least that’s what the chryron and green-screened in background want us to believe), Annie meets with her old Russian Language instructor, played by Clarke Peters (Lester on “The Wire” – insert ironic ‘Black Russian’ joke here). She covers that she’s dating a guy from Moscow who calls her “Kiitsu” but she doesn’t know what it means. Professor Lester takes off his glasses, so we know he’s serious, and tells Annie that she should not be working for the CIA. Annie’s all I totally don’t, but Lester calls her bluff, saying that the CIA is going to eat her up and spit her out. Annie sticks to her story, and asks again what “Kiitsu” means. Lester says it translates to “Kitten” but that it isn’t a Russian word. It’s Estonian, specifically from a dialect common in the southern villages near Latvia. Someone from Moscow would never use that word. Annie’s out of there.

When she drives up to the gate at HQ, she’s greeted with several other vehicles blocking her path. Ruh Roh. She’s in trouble now.

DPD. Joan is all kinds of pissed off that Annie involved a civilian in agency matters, and when Annie is surprised that the CIA is keeping track of her I begin to wonder if she forgot who she works for. Annie says that Stas is still out there somewhere, and explains about the non-Russian word and how the man she met couldn’t have been Stas because of the way he acted, and the way he chose to stand in front of an open window to get shot. I agree that a spy trying not to get killed wouldn’t leave himself exposed like that, but a CIA handler wouldn’t have allowed it either, so I say it’s as much Annie’s fault that NotStas is dead now. Annie also mentions that she was followed home last night, and Joan confirms by denial that she was behind that. Again, the CIA needs to brush up on their tailing skills, because that driver sucked. I worked as a PI for a few years, and I could have tailed Annie better. Annie tells Joan that there’s no way that NotStas was Stas, and then recaps what Lester told her. Now that Annie’s confirmed she spoke to Lester about the case, Joan orders her off the case and back to The Farm. Adding insult to injury, Joan says that Annie may have just washed herself out of the program altogether, and will be lucky to land a desk in HR when it’s all over.

Annie goes into the bathroom for a good cry, and begins to beat up the toilet stall. Auggie wanders in, joking about how being in the wrong bathroom and OH HAI ANNIE! Annie says she’s fine, but Auggie knows better. He knows how hard it is to navigate the job when you’re new, and that if Joan was going to fire her she would have done so. The job likes those who take initiative, Auggie says. Annie’s going to need his help, then.

Next we see A&A outside the DC Medical Examiner’s building, posing as tourists. Annie notes that people are gaining entrance via thumbprint, and gets an exiting doctor to take A&A’s picture with her BlackBerry. Annie then MacGyver’s the doctor’s thumbprint off the phone using a Listerine breath strip, and Voilà! They’re in. Annie then totally grosses me out by eating the breath strip, which not only touched her phone, which was touched by the doctor, but was directly pressed against the thumbprint reader that I’m sure hasn’t been cleaned recently. Fresh breath is not that important, Annie.

Inside, Annie’s now in scrubs and Auggie’s under a sheet playing dead. They work their way into the morgue, and locate NotStas’ body, which Annie can now confirm as NotStas due to the lack of body art. Which she should have noticed THE FIRST TIME SHE SAW THE DUDE NAKED. Annie agrees with me, but her Ah-Ha! moment is rudely interrupted by several armed and angry FBI agents, including Agent Rousabi, who wants to know what a call girl is doing in the DC Morgue. Annie answers, “Paying my respects.”

Really, writers? That’s the best you could come up with? You could have at least tried to work the word “stiff” in there somewhere. Sheesh.

FBI Interrogation Room(s). A&A are being questioned by Rousabi, and both are sticking to the hooker story. Auggie likes it kinky, and she’s just there for the client’s needs. Annie then FYI’s the FBI stating that her agency is very discreet with a number of federal employees and civil servants as customers as she starts getting all touchy-feely across the table. Rousabi, who has never watched porn before apparently, gets a little weirded out that she would be propositioning him while in custody. He then leaves the room when he gets a phone call. Annie looks pleased with herself.

When Rousabi comes back in, he explains that he was just called by his boss’ boss, whom he has never met, and was ordered to release A&A. Annie says that Boss’ Boss is likely a Gold Circle client. Rousabi thinks otherwise, and calls Annie out as a CIA operative. He then tells us what we already know about how Annie wound up in FBI custody, but she’s still laughing it off. Then she’s all, didn’t you say we could go?

DPD. Joan is being handed a classified folder from a visiting NSA employee. Big case? Nope. Just transcripts of the phone calls between Arthur and his Non-Date from the other night. Apparently, the calls were all work related and very boring, and now Joan is feeling stupid.

HQ. Arthur is receiving a fax – the CIA still uses outdated tech like that? – from Lisa Kern, which is a sample of the article she’ll be running tomorrow. Arthur is not happy with it.

DPD. Joan is telling Annie that she was right (and don’t make her say it again). NotStas really isn’t Stas, but why would Stas use a pasty to fake his own death? Auggie checks the HSTL – the High Security Threat List – and confirms that Stas is now listed as deceased. As such, Dead (but not really) Stas is now free to do, and kill, whomever he chooses without being under the watchful eyes of the intelligence community. Who does Stas want dead? Likely Victor Petrov, a visiting Russian Journalist who has written a book called “Red/Gold: Inside Putin’s Kremlin” which I’m sure doesn’t please the FSB at all. So happens that Petrov is attending a dinner and book signing at the Smithsonian as they speak. Joan and Annie then Batman and Robin out of the room, leaving Auggie behind to play the part of Alfred, I suppose.

Smithsonian Castle. While everyone coming in is being screened and wanded, we see a waiter in the kitchen place a large gun under a napkin on a rolling cart. Joan, Annie, and a load of other agents roll up with lights and sirens, and head inside. The waiter has positioned himself behind where Petrov is signing books, grabs the gun and napkin and starts to move, but backs off when he sees Joan pull Petrov out of the room. Annie is then unfortunate enough to bump into Ethan the Mustache, who is there because his employer is a sponsor. As Annie is trying to get away from Ethan, she spots the waiter, and recognizes him as the man who hit on her in the hotel lobby. Stas! How you doin’?!? Annie excuses herself from the ‘Stache to chase after the Stas.

We’ve got the standard Foot Chase Through A Kitchen scene, with trays, stacks, crates, grease fires, and even cooks all being thrown by Stas to slow Annie down. Annie takes it all in stride, and even makes me go “AWESOME!” when she Luke Dukes her way over a prep table. The chase continues out of the kitchen, down a staircase, out on the street, and down into the Metro station, where both Stas and Annie jump the turnstiles. Which is okay because the WMATA people don’t pay much attention anyway. Annie loses sight of Stas, and he gets the drop on her.

Annie tells Stas she can help him, but then spoils the goodwill by insulting his ability to do a convincing Spanish accent. He says he’ll work on it after Annie’s dead, and orders her onto her knees. They stand there for about an hour and a half with Stas pointing his gun at the back of Annie’s head, but I suppose if Stas was a real assassin, one who would have already killed Annie, there wouldn’t be much of a show left, would there? Annie whips around, knocks the gun out of Stas’ hand, and then shifts the fake flooring meant to soften the falls during the fight when she kicks the gun away. Oops. Sloppy, show. There’s a bit of brawling before Stas gets the upper hand and starts to choke the life out of Annie while punching her in the face. Annie head-butts Stas and starts to get away, but he catches up to her and resumes the total Choking of Her.

As Annie’s sight starts to blur, a mysterious figure steps into view. It’s NotAbroad! This is confirmed by the lens focusing, a flashback to the beach in Sri Lanka, and the total WTF? look on Annie’s face. NotAbroad pulls a gun, kills Stas dead, and then gets on the conveniently arrived Metro train. Good thing they were in the Smithsonian Station (Blue and Orange Lines), because there’s no way a Red Line train would have had that kind of timing. Annie recovers her own focus in time to make eye contact with NotAbroad as he stares out at her from the train. Tell us again, Annie…will you be able to separate your personal and professional lives now? Huh?

Back at HQ, Annie is being presented with the Intelligence Commendation Award. She’s still in the same clothes and looking beat up. Jeez…let a girl freshen up a little, huh? She’s had a long day. Annie is thankful for the award, and tells Arthur that she looks forward to coming back when she completes her training at The Farm. Arthur not-so-fasts that she won’t be going back to The Farm. Annie’s to resume her duties with the DPD, and everyone in the room applauds, including Joan. Joan is busy giving Arthur the stink-eye, however, so he vamooses.

Annie confides in Joan that she’s pretty sure she saw someone she used to know down in the Metro Tunnel, but Joan says Annie is mistaken, and probably just tired. It was Agent Baldwin, who’s right over there. Joan suggests Annie thank him for saving her life, and then takes Annie’s award away for safe keeping in the vault. Can’t have those kinds of things on display anywhere, you know. Auggie cracks wise about giveth and taketh, and Annie makes a call-back to their first meeting, agreeing that the CIA is indeed a weird place to work.

Joan and Arthur confab in the atrium. Arthur wants to know if “he” is really back. Joan states that “he” resurfaced shortly after they brought Annie into the program, and is thankful that “he” snuffed Stas. “He” is Ben Mercer (the spy formerly known as NotAbroad), and Joan wants to mobilize a team to bring him in, but Arthur is more interested in using Annie as bait instead. Meeting adjourned, and Joan stares wistfully as her husband walks away.

Annie finally gets home, and goes right for the ice cream. Not as a comfort food, but as a source of cold for her aching head. Danielle is concerned about how Annie looks, but Annie swears it was just some freak stapler accident. Happens all the time. Ask Milton. Mutual apologies for the argument that morning, and then Danielle comments on the Cherry Garcia. Rough day, she asks? Judgmental much? Annie says she’s fine, and Danielle says she’d make the Worst. Spy. Evar. because she’s a bad liar. *Wah-wah-waaaaaaaaaah.*

Annie’s Guesthouse. A fire is going, the cat is meowing, and Annie is restless. She grabs a folder from high up on a shelf, and begins to flip through until she finds the pages where she taped the note from Ben, and her bracelet.

A plaintive ovary wails about losing love and being happy again as we flashback to Ben and Annie dancing on the beach, then making love. Outside, we see the other bracelet hanging from the rearview mirror of a car, and Ben Mercer behind the wheel. He stares at the light on in the guest house, sighs, and drives away. Inside, Annie closes her scrapbook and turns out the light.

NEXT WEEK: Gregory Itzin and Oded Fehr. Need I say more?