Cinematic Blues – July 6, 2010

It’s an embarrassment of movie riches this week. Horror! Lots and lots of Horror! Also, a little bit of Horrible. REALLY horrible.

Let’s go to the videotape:

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NINJA CHEERLEADERS (2008)
Written and Directed by David Presely
Hi-Fidelity Films

“I’m not a stripper. I’m a Go-Go Dancer.”

I have no excuses. None. I took what should have remained a 3am Skinemax movie and actually watched it on purpose. I thought even having George Takei in the cast would elevate this from shlock to decent camp. I was so very wrong.

The “story” follows three junior college cheerleaders (Trishelle Cannatella, Ginny Weirick, and Maitland McConnell) who live secret lives as strippers and ninjas, under the tutelage of Master Hiroshi (Takei). They are trying to protect Hiroshi’s strip club/training facility from mobster Victor Lazarro (a mulleted Michael Paré) as well as hoping to win the big strip-off contest so that they can all afford to leave this life behind and attend the Ivy League’s Brown.

Sound unrealistic enough? Yeah…it was worse than that.

The fight scenes were ridiculously choreographed, there was no blood or guts, and the only real nudity takes place in the weird bumpers the movie uses to transition between scenes, featuring women who aren’t the titular (hurr hurr) Cheerleaders. In fact, during the big strip-off performance, none of the leads get even close to naked. This surprised me, since during her run on MTV’s “Real World: Las Vegas,” Cannatella – who earned the nickname ‘Trashelle’ – had no reservations about having her naughty bits pixellated on television, or out for the whole world to see in Playboy Magazine.

The Boss Battle between Sulu and Eddie Wilson was good for laughs, and the best scene was when the girls defend a batch of cookie-selling scouts against a trailer park asshole played by “Modern Family’s” Eric Stonestreet. Beyond that, there is nothing of redeeming value to this lowest-of-low budget film.

I apologize for even including it here.

Elwood Says: 1 Crappy Volkswagons out of 5.

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[REC] (2007)
Written by Jaume Balagueró, Luis Berdejo, and Paco Plaza
Directed by Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza
Filmax

“We’re in front of the door where an elderly resident has had some sort of problem. The neighbors heard screams.”

This outstanding horror film from Barcelona is a big favorite of our boss, Dale. Since he’s [rec]commended it so highly, and as I’m a big fan of the US remake, Quarantine*, I felt duty-bound to check this out for myself. Especially in light of the fact that a sequel now exists.

(* = You would be surprised how many people on the intarwebz think that [REC] is the remake. Don’t believe everything you read on the ‘net, Kids.)

I don’t know what I can say about the plot that isn’t already well known. Reporter Ángela Vidal (Manuela Velasco) and her cameraman Pablo are working on a piece at a local fire station when they get a call to respond to an apartment building. Once there, they discover that all is not as it seems, and they get trapped in there by the authorities who have deemed it a health hazard. The entire movie is seen through the lens of Pablo’s camera, which not only adds to the suspense of it all, but may also require the use of Dramamine for the more dizzy-getting viewers.

I was really pleased to see how loyal the US remake was to it’s source material, and even though I knew exactly what was happening it didn’t stop me from having a couple of genuine jumps while watching [REC]. I tried watching with the English language dubbing, but that was comical, as the voices didn’t match the actors at all.

I also liked Velasco in the role of Angela much better than I did Jennifer Carpenter (“Dexter”) in the US redux. She seemed much more vulnerable and scared, and in a way that made her character stronger.

If you haven’t seen either the original or the remake, then I would highly [rec]commend that you see both, but in the proper order.

Elwood Says: 4 BNC Protocols out of 5.

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THE CRAZIES (2010)
Based on the 1973 film by George Romero
Screenplay by Scott Kosar and Ray Wright
Directed by Breck Eisner
Overture Films

“Welcome to Pierce County: The Friendliest Place on Earth, Asshole!”

This is another horror movie that has been well-covered here in the Bunker, and I couldn’t wait to press play. I love a great horror movie, and this one did not disappoint at all.

Timothy Olyphant seems to have carved himself out a nice little niche as the Every Lawman, and he’s right in his wheelhouse in this Romero remake. Ogden Marsh, Iowa is that small town in flyover country where the ideal life is high school sports, lemonade, 40 acres between neighbors, and zombies.

Wait. What?

It would seem that the water supply got spiked with something…foreign… and it’s making the townsfolk go, well, crazy. Like homicidal crazy. Starting with a loaded shotgun at the baseball game, and all the way through to the explosive ending, The Crazies serves up thrills and chills a’plenty. Olyphant (as Sheriff* David Dutten) leads a cast that adds more humanity than you usually see in movies like this. Radha Mitchell and Joe Anderson as Dutten’s wives – home and work, respectively – are really great, and they make you wish that were it not for the whole zombie problem, you’d totally live in Ogden Marsh.

(* = Crime in Ogden Marsh is so low, the police station is only open 8a-5p Mon-Fri. Seriously.)

At times the movie felt like a great first-person shooter video game, and at other times I found a lot of thematic similarities to the comic book series “Walking Dead.” These weren’t complaints, and only served to draw me into the story further.

If they follow through on the sequel set-up at the end of the film, I’m totally there. The Crazies is not original by any means, but it is done well enough not to fall into the cliché trap so many other films in this genre do.

Elwood Says: 3½ Drive-Thru Car Washes out of 5.

Similar Posts:

• [Scene] The Crazies (2010)
• [Trailer] The Crazies (2010)
• 300 Word Review: The Crazies (2010)
• Cinematic Blues – August 31, 2010
• Cinematic Blues – July 13, 2010
• Cinematic Blues – 3/29/2010
• Cinematic Blues – August 24, 2010

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