Scoundrels: “Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary” [Recap]

Previously, on “Scoundrels”…everything that happened last week. This is only the second episode. Not a lot of backstory yet.

S1E2 1 300x167 Scoundrels: “Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary” [Recap]We start out this week at a supermarket named Big Foods. Cheryl is now working as a checker, and who should come through her line but Sergeant Tony! What are the odds? They banter a bit, and Tony mentions that he has more spare time, what with burglaries down 15% and all. He continues to express his doubts about the West’s new plan. We see Cheryl’s boss, Lawrence (Marc Vann) watching. Cheryl thanks Sergeant Tony for shopping Big Foods, and tells him to Have a Nice Day. Tony says he will, and by the way, how’s Cal?

Hong McMansion. Cal is outside washing THEHONG limo when Hong’s Heels drives up and snots for Cal to park her car. Cal registers a complaint, but Hong’s Heels says that her Wicked Stepmother is even worse. Cal doesn’t think that Mrs. Hong is that bad, but he’s thinking of Grandma Hong. Mr. Hong comes outside and needs a ride. Cal throws a driving jacket on over his tank top and they’re off.

Rusty’s Burgers. Heather (and her hair net) are delivering a tray of burgers to a table where some of Heather’s friends are eating. They ask how the job is going, and mock Heather for her big ol’ chin zit. Bonus points for seeing anything north of her rack. Then Heather’s dweeby manager orders her back to work as Heather checks out her reflection in a napkin dispenser.

Selden-Carter Law Firm. Logan is hard at work doing lawyer things when Ms. Bottoms walks into his office. She says that she’s considering committing murder and feels she should have representation ahead of time. The target of her premeditation? Hope, who is still trying to blackmail her with the sex pictures. Ms. Bottoms wants Logan to help, and punctuates her argument by beginning to make out with Logan. This relationship still active after all these years, but still in secret. Ms. Bottoms doesn’t like that, and is wanting to “graduate” to a public courting. She then backs away, making it clear that until Logan brings Hope around, no Bottom’s Bottom for him. Ms. Bottoms sexies out of the office, while Logan just sits there, blue-balled.

Title card.

Big Foods. Lawrence is holding a staff meeting. He’s happy that sales are up, but upset that shoplifting is also. He then awards the Employee of the month award to a meek woman named Kaylee Ryles. Lawrence hugs Kaylee, and goes in for a buttgrab. Cheryl snarks that Kaylee’s ass is not a melon. The other employees titter, and Lawrence tells them all to get back to work. Cheryl then mentions that the Ladies Room is out of TP. Again. As they walk out of the break room, an Asian clerk compliments Cheryl on being a strong woman, by way of a non-english word, as they say in “Kowear.” Cheryl asks what’s “Kowear” for “can’t keep mouth shut.” That’s racist. Cheryl goes on to tell Kaylee to nip the sexual harassment in the bud, while Kowear spouts off a cookie fortune. Cheryl then spots Heather running off down the aisle. Cheryl corners Heather in cosmetics, and begins frisking her. Zit cream in the boot, volumizer in the bra. Bad, Heather. Bad!

Jail. Wolf is excited that Cheryl is visiting, and there is much kissing. There are no guards stopping this major PDA, and it’ll be their own fault when Wolf escapes using the entire tool-kit Cheryl probably just passed him mouth-to-mouth. Wolf makes with the mockery about Cheryl having an honest job. How are the kids?

Casa West. Mac-n-cheese for dinner. Heather thinks that Cheryl is trying to turn her into an Oompa-Loopa, and Hope makes a bulimia joke. GW likes the food, and liked the ravioli last night too. Cal, clearly missing protein in his diet, gives a dissertation on the difference between ravioli and mac-n-cheese. This immediately reminds me of the mexican food bit by Jim Gaffigan (Click here; it’s the last minute of the clip but it’s all funny). Cheap eats due to their new budget, says Cheryl. Logan arrives with cheesecake. More vomit jokes from Heather. Cal bitches about being Hong’s buttboy instead of earning real money and leaves. Heather bitches too, but is sated by the zit cream Cheryl bought for her. Everyone gets up from the table and leaves. Cheryl emotionally eats the cheesecake, whole, and with a big spoon.

Later in the evening, Cheryl is going through a stack of past due bills when she discovers a mysterious envelope full of cash. She sonuvabitches Wolf and puts the envelope away.

S1E2 2 300x167 Scoundrels: “Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary” [Recap]Later still. In Hope’s bedroom Logan is rifling through her drawers for the incriminating photos. Hope wakes up, and tells Logan that Heather’s undies are likely hotter. This entire exchange is kind of icky. Logan tells Hope that he wants the pictures, and they discuss the difference between blackmail and quid pro quo. Hope wonders why Logan cares so much about ancient history anyway, and Logan reveals that he’s been doing some “post-grad” work. Hope says it sounds like an X-rated Afterschool Special. Hope agrees to cease and desist because of the West Code of Honor, and confesses that she hid the photos at GW’s house. Where they burned up in the fire. No negatives or reprints in case of just such an occurrence? Hope, I am disappoint.

Big Foods. Cheryl and Kowear see Lawrence cornering Kaylee in the paper towel aisle. Lawrence claims he’s just teaching Kaylee about the finer points of Customer Service. Cheryl bickers, Kaylee walks away, and Lawrence is “keeping an eye on you, Cheryl.” Cheryl states that they still need TP in the bathroom and Kowear throws out more fortune cookie wisdom. Cheryl takes to packs of TP off the shelf, raises them up over her head so Lawrence can see them, and marches off to the bathroom to applause from her co-workers. Not exactly Norma Rae, is she?

Palm Canyon Video. Hope and Tad (clerk from last week) are watching horror films and debating about snakes as visual stimulation. Heather comes in, needing money from Hope so she can get new photos taken, since Cheryl has her PhotoCreep Pics. Hope says no. Tad can’t take his eyes off Heather, and offers to take her photos with his new digital camera. Hope reminds him she bought that camera to help make their movie, and doesn’t like this idea at all. Heather notices this and gets all flirty with Tad. Tad gets drooly.

Big Foods. Cheryl is touting the advantages to the particular toilet paper some random customer has chosen when Lawrence walks up with Sergeant Tony and Deputy Dawg behind him. Apparently there was $500 missing from Cheryl’s till last night, and the cops would like to talk to her about this. Oops.

S1E2 3 300x168 Scoundrels: “Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary” [Recap]Hong McMansion. Cal is bringing in groceries when he sees a Dina Meyer getting out of the pool. There’s leering involved, and why wouldn’t there be? She’s hot. Cal tries to play it cool, asking Dina who she is. Dina turns the question around while going to pour herself a drink. Cal doesn’t think Dina should drink Mr. Hong’s special reserve, and Dina wants to know what Cal’s going to do about it? There’s a very expensive looking vase in the foreground. You know what they say: If you show a vase in the first act, you have to break it in the…no, that’s not it. Dina makes with the sexy flirty, and thanks to the high-definition I spot the black mic wire that is very visible under Cal’s white wife-beater. Dina “accidentally” spills her drink on Cal and Cal’s mic wire, but manages not to electrocute him. Cal and Dina start macking, and then the vase breaks. That’s not a euphemism.

S1E2 4 300x167 Scoundrels: “Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary” [Recap]PCV. Tad, Hope, and Heather are up on the roof for the modeling shoot. Heather is wearing the latest in Blue Prom Dress couture. Hope is holding the light reflector and being very unhappy about this entire situation. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Hope has a crush on Tad. Tad’s not that smart, and gets a little dumber (and more drooly) when Heather flashes him some serious cleavage. Hope is about to go crazy, and Tad and Heather are both saved from being thrown off the roof when Hope gets a call from Logan about Cheryl’s arrest.

Palm Springs PD. Cheryl is declaring her innocence, and is pretty sure that Lawrence has set her up over the toilet paper incident. Logan says the same thing, only more lawyerly. Tony gives Logan shit about being a lawyer, and a new one, and tries to intimidate Logan. Without Jack Bauer behind him, Tony doesn’t even scare me. Try again, Sergeant. Cheryl gets protective of Logan, saying that she’ll mow Tony’s grass if he lays a hand on her kids. Logan and Cheryl…out.

Jail. Cheryl is visiting Wolf, bringing him up to speed. Wolf naturally assumes she took the money from Big Foods, because he’s a complete dick. Cheryl tells him he’s wrong, and that she’s also going to give the other cash back to Charlie. Cheryl’s trying really hard, and Wolf needs to let her do what she has to do! Wolf is still doubting this legitness kick. He doesn’t like Cal being a lackey (Cheryl counters that Cal is paying off a debt), or Heather being a “fry cook” (Cheryl says she’s learning responsibility), or making Hope conform. Cheryl goes off on a 5 minute no longer riding shotgun/taking the wheel/I’ll drive us there metaphor while I run to the bathroom. I really hope there’s toilet paper in there.

At the bar, Cal and his friends are laughing about the Dina situation. Cal is concerned about the consequences, but his buddies only have questions about Dina’s boobs. Flashback, post-coital. Cal worries about the broken vase, and Dina says she’ll tell her husband that she did it. Cal’s brains (both of them) go flaccid. Back to the bar, and Cal’s Pals are all OMG! Cal’s all, “I know! She wasn’t even Asian. How’s that happen?” What does this show have against Asians, anyway? Seriously. Cal goes back to being scared that Mr. Hong is going to Tonged him to death, but his friends just hurr-hurr some more about Dina’s tits.

PCV. Tad is re-touching Heather’s photos while Hope mocks Heather’s flirting. Tad doesn’t care; he just wants to re-touch Heather for real. Hope tells Tad that he has to decide between his friendship with Hope and his penis. At 16, thats a tough choice. Stay Strong, Brother. Trust me. I made a similar choice in high school. I went with my penis then, but I’m married to the snarky brunette now. If only I’d known then. Tad wonders if he can’t have both. Hope starts listing all of the things she and Tad have in common, and asks if Tad’s willing to throw it all away for someone who will “use [him] and spit [him] out?” I’m willing to bet that Heather swallows. Hope can’t let this happen. She picks up the computer mouse, and tells Tad he’ll thank her someday.

S1E2 5 300x168 Scoundrels: “Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary” [Recap]Ms. Bottom’s Boudoir. Logan on top, natch. Ms. Bottoms has on a teal bra. I hate network TV. Logan is getting extra credit for burning the photos (*wink*). Ms. Bottoms is very excited about bringing the relationship out of the classroom and into the quad. She talks about Logan meeting her mother, and casually drops the word “fiancée.” Red Alert! Logan is very uncomfortable with this concept, because removing the illicit nature also removes the fun from this arrangement. Ms. Bottoms talks about their future children, and Logan looks like a deer in the headlights. Speaking of headlights…Ms. Bottoms and the Teal Bra of Censorship get out of bed, but we don’t get to see if she’s got matching Bottoms. I hate network TV.

S1E2 6 300x167 Scoundrels: “Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary” [Recap]Casa West. Cop cars in the driveway. Inside, Sergeant Tony is enjoying a cup of coffee, and wants to know where Cheryl was at 1am. “In bed…you?” Cal, eating cereal out of a huge mixing bowl, says he was in bed too. Not her bed. A different bed. Hope alibis that she was in Guadalajara running her drug cartel. It’s always the quiet ones. Deputy Dawg has confiscated a roll of TP from the bathroom, which has displeased Heather who was about to use it. Evidently, there was delivery truck hijacked from Big Foods. Don’t you think this would have been mentioned already? Cheryl shoots Cal a look, but he motions that he didn’t do it. What was in the truck? TP. Laughter. Deputy Dawg says that this is Very Serious. Cheryl is certain that this is another frame-job. Hope explains that they can’t be sure who did it, since everyone’s fingerprints are all over the “evidence” in Deputy Dawg’s hands. Cheryl cracks wise about flushing police work down the crapper. Sergeant Tony “Terminators” his way out, and then states for the eleventeeth time that he doubts the West’s ability to stay on the right side of the law. Cheryl looks pensive. Or maybe she needs that toilet paper. I don’t know.

PCV. Hope is on the phone with her cell provider’s customer service about a cut off notice. Heather’s there for her photos, wearing a dress that might have doubled as a shower curtain and/or placemats in my grandmother’s house. In 1968. Hope explains that the photos were awesome, but sadly lost to the whims of fickle technology. Heather stomps off, revealing the big red bra strap running across the open back of her dress. Are the wardrobe people on a tight budget too? They couldn’t spring for something like this? It’s even on sale right now. Tad feels bad, but likes how Heather looks when she’s mad. Hope poses another Sophie’s Choice (Sex with Heather vs. Winning an Academy Award with Hope). Dumb grin. Asked and answered.

Jail. Wolf is on the phone with Cheryl, who is back at Casa West. Cheryl’s pretty certain that Wolf had a hand in the hijacking. He claims otherwise, joking about the “little turd” that framed Cheryl. Classy. The doorbell rings, and when Wolf tells Cheryl that he loves her, she resonds, “Me, too.” Ouch. It’s Lawrence at the door. He’s all clenched up because not only could he get fired over the truck heist, but the employees have all gone on strike over Cheryl’s firing. Lawrence will give Cheryl’s job back if the stolen TP gets retuned. Cheryl wants assurances that bygones will be, and that Lawrence will stop “squeezing” the help. Lawrence agrees.

Bar (which is finally given the name “Desert Dive”). Charlie is shooting pool when Cheryl approaches, asking for the cash envelope back. She then makes a Grand Announcement, offering the $1,500 up to the patrons as an incentive for the return of the stolen no questions asked. Silence.

Hong McMansion. A shirtless Cal is outside, bragging on the phone about his quadruple day with Dina. Dina trots out of the house in full riding gear, talking about going to the stables and needing a Stud. Who writes this stuff? 5th graders? Dina teases Cal with her riding crop, and they drive off.

Casa West. Sergeant Tony is waiting for Cheryl when she drives up. He wants to talk about the reward she’s offering, and hopes that if Cheryl gets any leads, she’ll pass the info along. Tony just wants to catch the offender. Cheryl thought she was the “offender.” Tony says that he likes to keep an open mind. Bullshit. Since when? Cheryl may be going straight, but she’s no snitch. Tony drives off when Cheryl gets a call from Mr. Hong.

THEHONG limo. Cheryl and Mr. Hong are talking about the hijacking. Apparently, someone in Hong’s employ wishes to sell him a lot of TP, cheap. Cheryl gives Hong the cash, which he initially refuses, but Cheryl doesn’t want to feel like she owes him.

Desert Dive. Ne’er-do-well named Oscar is toasting to daytime drinking with his co-horts. Oscar has a sunburst tattoo on his wrist. Cheryl approaches him about the TP heist. Oscar claims ignorance, and shares more laughs when Cheryl asks about the going rate for selling hot TP to the Asians. That’s one massage parlor I don’t want to wind up in, let me tell you. Cheryl tells Oscar to silencio, and that she has connections. Not anymore, hablos Oscar.

S1E2 7 300x167 Scoundrels: “Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary” [Recap]Hong McMansion. Mr. Hong is wok-frying some potstickers or something. Dina and Cal come back from the stables. I wonder what’s going to get deep-fried next? Dina says that Mr. Hong’s dim sum are like little fried testicles. If you’re going to telegraph the jokes like that, Show, we’re not going to get along very well. Dina leaves. Mr. Hong asks Cal if he’s happy there, and offers up a pot sticker. Cal walks over and Mr. Hong jams his fried testicle in Cal’s mouth. It’s hot and oily. Cal wants to spit, but has no choice but to swallow.

That’s two swallowing jokes in one Recap. I’m in fine form today.

Mr. Hong asks Cal if he likes Hong’s Heels. Cal says he does, mouth still full of sum dim sum. What about Dina? No! Yes! I mean.. Mr. Hong makes it clear that if he were ever catch another man with Dina, the fried testicles wouldn’t be metaphorical anymore. Cal totally groks.

Casa West. Doorbell. It’s Kowear, and she’s brought a meal. More fortune cookie wisdom, and many thanks to Cheryl for helping everyone out at the store. Then another fortune cookie sound bite. Cripes. Cheryl says she knows who took the truck full of TP, and Kowear wonders if it may have been someone “from the casino.” Vegas mobsters? Cheryl admires Kowear’s tattoo on her wrist, which is remarkably similar to Oscar’s. Now I feel stupid, because I thought this whole time Kowear was Korean. She’s actually American Indian. Too late to go back and change that now. I’ll let it stand. Kowear calls Oscar a name in Indian, which Cheryl decides she can translate on her own. That’s good, because I didn’t want to look it up anyway.

Desert Dive. Oscar is laughing and drinking, and is suddenly knocked off the stool by Kowear and Kowear’s Big Bag of Buttkicking. Kowear bludgeons Oscar with the BBB until he relents and agrees to give back the TP. Cheryl says something snide to Oscar about having connections.

Big Foods. Cheryl is coming back to work, crossing the picket line and the big pile of TP cases in the parking lot to do it. Hugs all around. Awww.

Casa West. Dinnertime. GW wants mac-n-cheese, but Cheryl’s serving up rib roast. Logan arrives with congratulations on Cheryl’s redemption, and Cal shows off the $1,500 he got from Mr. Hong just for “driving around his wife, and stuff.” Cheryl is not happy to see that particular cash back in her house, but is determined to remain pleased that the toilet paper situation is, well, behind her. (Sorry. I’m not above the lame potty humor either, apparently.)

Jail. Oscar and his beat up face are telling Wolf about how “three guys” jumped him and re-stole the stolen TP. Oh, Wolf. You’re still a dick. Don’t drop the soap.

S1E2 8 300x168 Scoundrels: “Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary” [Recap]Rusty’s. Heather and her Hair Net are bringing a To-Go order out. To-Go asks Heather if she’s a model. Oh, c’mon. Really? Heather says not yet, and To-Go says that makes him lucky, because he gets to discover her first. To-Go gives Heather his card and leaves. Heather starts jumping up and down and whips off her hair net, Mary Tyler Moore-style. “It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen!” I wouldn’t trash the hair net just yet Heather. You’re gonna make it after all, but not how you think. Trust me. Fade out to a peppy tune.

Coming up on “Scoundrels”: Grant Show, strippers, and other wacky hi-jinx. Unless the low ratings get the show cancelled first.

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