How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Lady Gaga

Here’s the thing: I love Lady Gaga. Unironically. It’s taken me a while to get to this point, and I was never really trying to, but it looks like she’s finally won me over. But why her? What separates her from all the other pre-fabricated plasticine pop stars currently flooding the charts? Why am I thinking too hard about all this?

You forced me into it. The wide-eyed stares, the condescending hipster vibes, and the merciless ridicule lobbed my direction whenever I would proclaim “I don’t think she’s that bad. Kinda catchy, really.” I’ve been asked to hand over my vinyl edition of No Pocky For Kitty and all my DFA 12” singles. I’m no longer allowed to listen to college radio. Local music venues have revoked my memberships. My worn-out copy of Please Kill Me has been confiscated and burned before my eyes. In short, my defense of pop music has come at terrible price.

Of course, clinging to an unpopular opinion, even to just be contrarian (especially to be contrarian) is part of what makes me, The Music Fascist, The Music Fascist. I’m always right; you’re always wrong, and just as a reminder: your favorite band sucks (apologies to The Onion).

About the only NOW Hits-type pop music I will defend is dance pop. Whiny suburban guys power-chording their way through their undeserved angst need not ever apply. The less said about nü metal or whatever the hell they called that crap, the better.  But it seems the horny old goat in me always gives the tarted-up dance divas a pass.

Her voice isn’t that strong, but for me, that’s part of the appeal. Just because you can hit those notes doesn’t mean you should, Mariah. Too many singers these days warble all over the notes, trilling and emoting all over any song they get their sanitized hands on. In a world full of vocal acrobatics, Gaga’s voice is refreshingly simple. The singing, for better or worse, is second to the visuals.

“Poker Face” was the first video of hers I really remember seeing. I couldn’t figure out her hair or the costumes, but I picked up this Lower East Side drag show vibe that reminded me of the Club Kids, Hedwig & The Angry Inch, and Klaus Nomi. Further videos continued this trend, then “Paparazzi” came along, and the drag show had moved to Hollywood. She danced with crutches. There were space-age headpieces and goofy dance moves. She killed a guy at the end. Roll credits. I thought to myself “Now she’s gone completely over the top”.

By the time the fake blood spilled all over the VMAs, I realized that as odd as I thought she was, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Yes, I was laughing from time to time, wondering “what the hell is she thinking”, but I was still looking. Watching her video for “Bad Romance”, it suddenly occurred to me that she’s as much Annie Lennox as Madonna or Christina Aguilera. Check out the video for The Eurythmics’ “Love Is a Stranger”, if you don’t believe me.

I’m still not sure if she’s a brilliant satirist playing a vapid pop star or a vapid pop star playing herself, but whether we’re being punked or not, you have to admire the ambition. If all pop stars were this out-there, I might come to their defense more often. So get over yourself, put on your platform boots, and join me over here on the dark side. We’re having lots of fun.

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