The Adult's Guide to Preschool TV: Nick Jr

Let’s face it – most kids TV is bad. Especially when it comes to TV made for the under 5 crowd. While they might entertain the kidlets, is it really worth the mind-numbing torture that only a purple dinosaur can provide? Deep down, I don’t really think that pediatricians have any problem with a toddler watching TV – they just don’t want to be subjected to the crap that was being produced in the 90s.

More recently, channels like Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel have attempted to produce a product that can both entertain and educate small children while keeping the parent from lashing out at the television and forcing them to read books or something. As the parent of three children under the age of six, I’ve seen pretty much every show that has been produced for the preschool set. Some of it is tolerable, even entertaining. Some of it is downright painful. Some of it – and I’ll touch on this in a future article – is so comically bad that you find yourself watching it without children present. Consider this a primer so that on those fateful days when you have to watch TV with a preschooler, you can at least be prepared for what you’re in for. Today’s channel: Nick Jr.

Dora the Explorer

IN A SENTENCE: Football-headed girl walks around with a boot-wearing monkey.

Dora is make purely for the preschool set and no older, and leans towards girls as well – an area where there aren’t too many non-flowers and kitties and pink shows out there so in that aspect, Dora is better than other options. If you’ve got a girl, chances are that you’ll have to stomach this one.

THE GOOD: Preschool girls who like Dora tend to be less likely to want to dress up like a Bratz doll and wear sweatpants that read “YUMMY” on their ass.

THE BAD: Nothing of entertainment value for anyone over 5.

FOR THE ADULTS: Nothing.

BE PREPARED FOR: Songs that will get stuck in your head. Dora is big on repetition, which is most evident in the “Map” theme song, which repeats the phrase “I’m the map” 13 times in the chorus.

Go, Diego, Go!

IN A SENTENCE: Boy Dora.

While “Boy Dora” isn’t really fair, it’s a spinoff of Dora and the two are related. Diego aims a little older and tries to teach about animals who are always in trouble while their pathetic animal parents look on helplessly. Darwin does not approve of this show.

THE GOOD: It’s harmless, and may get your couch potato kid outside to “explore”, or at least want to go to a zoo.

THE BAD: Get used to hearing “Ayúdame!” whined over and over. Like fingernails on a blackboard.

FOR THE ADULTS: The voice of Diego is Jake T. Austin, who is Max (the youngest son) on Wizards of Waverly Place on Disney. The voice of “Click” the camera is Rosie Perez, which makes it impossible to see her in anything else without picturing it coming out of the mouth of Click the Camera. Try watching White Men Can’t Jump after watching Diego – you’ll see.

BE PREPARED FOR: Learning numerous facts about animals that you’ll never see in your lifetime. Do you know what a pygmy marmoset eats? YOU WILL.

Wonder Pets!

IN A SENTENCE: A duckling, a guinea pig, and a turtle save everybody.

Wonder Pets is a little different in that it doesn’t take itself too seriously, and is done completely in song. The sense of humor that the show has makes it tolerable to watch, and they throw in a few jokes for the adults.

THE GOOD: The music is lively and decently entertaining. The show still uses a common formula, but they do mix it up a little bit.

THE BAD: With catchy music comes the danger of having those songs stuck in your head all day.

FOR THE ADULTS: Scattered references here and there, like Billy Joel-type music playing when they go to Long Island.

BE PREPARED FOR: hearing “this is sewious” said over and over by the kids and possibly regressing their (or your) speech pattern to Elmer Fudd-like tones.

Max & Ruby

IN A SENTENCE: Bitchy girl bunny bosses around her younger brother as their parents are nowhere to be found.

Max & Ruby is one of those shows where you hope for something bad to happen to the characters, specificly Ruby. However it’s one of the few shows that isn’t trying to shove education down your throat – it’s plain and simple entertainment, albeit in a limited dose.

THE GOOD: No singing, no dancing, no repetition – it’s just a calm show that works well for calming down the kids if they’re bouncing off the wall.

THE BAD: You can’t get through two episodes without wanting to punch Ruby in the face.

FOR THE ADULTS: Try to figure out if Max & Ruby’s parents just left them because Ruby was such a bitch, or if Ruby fed her parents some rhubarb leaves and their bodies are rotting in the basement.

BE PREPARED FOR: Hatred of Ruby. Just let the damn kid play what he wants already! He doesn’t want to go to your damn tea party!

Yo Gabba Gabba!

IN A SENTENCE: The Sid & Marty Krofft Nintendo Spectacular!

Parents watch an episode of YGG and end up with this twisted look on their face like they’ve just seen a cheesecake play Guitar Hero. If they actually listened to it they’d hear probably the closest thing to Sesame Street on TV right now, including Sesame Street.

THE GOOD: A show that promotes imagination, music, dance, hidden talents, and touches upon subjects that sometimes need to be touched on, like trying new food and not biting your friends.

THE BAD: I know you’re friends with Biz Markie and all, but you don’t need to be showing my kids how to beatbox. Biz beatboxes. My three-year-old spits across the room.

FOR THE ADULTS: Pretty much a cameo every time, from the various celebs that appear for “Dancey Dance” time to the bands that perform on the Super Music Friends Show.

BE PREPARED FOR: Feeling old – it’s bad enough that you have kids, but the musical guests are usually too hip and alternative for me to have heard of. Damn it, someone get the Foo Fighters or Bon Jovi on there!