Retro Crush: Phantom of the Paradise

I sold my soul for rock ‘n roll.  Wanna make something of it? Well anyone who tries… DIES!  What, you can’t feel the karma in your own house?  Bad, sport.  Real bad.  Oh well, that’s the hell of it.  If that made no sense to you, then you’ve been missing out on 1974’s greatest midnight movie.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Swan (played by Paul Williams): diminutive and devious owner of Death Records who is on the hunt for the perfect music to be performed at the opening of The Paradise, his rock ‘n roll Xanadu.

Winslow Leach (played by Bill Finley): a champion peckerwood, complete with Cosby-sweater and inch-thick glasses, whose work in progress is an epic cantata that tells the story of Faust.

Winslow and Phoenix

Phoenix (played by Jessica Harper): the diamond in the floppy hat, she’ll give anything to be a famous singer.

Beef (played by Gerrit Graham): tweaked-out, yet oddly lovable glam rocker hired by Swan to be the future of the music scene.

The Juicy Fruits/The Beach Bums/The Undeads (all played by Archie Hahn, Jeffrey Comanor, and Peter Elbling): Swan’s house bands.

Philbin (played by George Memmoli): Swan’s button-bedecked yes-man, who’s as big around as he is tall.

THE BASICS

If you’ve read any synopsis of the movie so far or seen the trailer, I’ll tell you right now to just ignore it.  They never get it right.  Every time I see one, I think, “that’s not it at all.”

Swan and Winslow

Here’s the real skinny:

Winslow is a nobody, but he can string some notes together, real pretty-like.  Swan is the somebody in the music industry.  He also happens to be a soulless bastard who couldn’t care less about who or what is destroyed on the path to what he wants, and what he wants is Winslow’s music (and Winslow out of the way).  Understandably, Winslow has a problem with this, and after some torture leaves him deranged and disfigured, he dons some spooky new duds and heads Swan-ward to settle the score.  Phoenix, Beef, and the rest are drawn into the melee, when all they really want is to be a part of the music. The story brings together elements you’ll recognize from Phantom of the Opera, Faust, and The Picture of Dorian Grey.

HOW TO WATCH

I’ve watched lots of people watch this movie for the first time, and in doing so, I’ve learned a few things.  Hell, the first time I watched it, I wasn’t an instant fan, but I’ve since realized that I just wasn’t doing it right.  To make sure you don’t repeat the errors of yours truly and many others, listen up!  Better yet, just print this out and pass it around to your movie-watching group.

• There are lots of random, nifty things noticeable to the trained eyes and ears of pop culture junkies. For example, the opening voice-over might sound familiar.  That’s because it’s none other than Rod Serling.  There are other subtleties you’ll appreciate and pick up on at least during your subsequent viewings.

• Pay attention to things going on in the periphery. Check out the antics of the Juicy Fruits backup singers in the opening number.  They fight with the audience and each other; one of them ends up with a bra in his teeth; all the while, the lead singer never misses a beat or fails to stab himself with that fake knife.  Also, Swan’s receptionist has some familiar names in her Rolodex.  Aside from Winslow, she has Alice Cooper, Dick Clark, and Bette Midler, just to name a few.  See who else you can spot!

• Listen to the music.  I mean, really listen to the words. Pay attention and you’ll understand why Paul Williams is a genius.  He wrote all the music for the film, and did a fab job mashing up genres and subject matter in interesting ways.  The music really makes the movie, and the characters remind you of this over and over.  They recognize it; so should you.

• 

  "There really is a phantom!"

  For the love of all that you find holy, do not take this thing too seriously. It’s a Brian De Palma film from the 70’s.  There are going to be tempura-paint-blood, cornsilk wigs, and terrible lip-synching.  Just brace yourself for it in the beginning and you’ll be fine.  This also means you really need to suspend your disbelief.  This movie does not take place in the real world.  Therefore, it’s completely logical that a composer might let a big, red candle melt all over the sheet music he’s just written.  Things like that happen and it’ll spoil it if you get hung up on the details, which brings me to the next point.

• Remove the words but and why from your vocabulary for the duration of the film.  Especially do not ask “why…” to anything said or done by Beef.  Beef is Beef.  Accept it and move on.

• Lastly, just ignore the way Phoenix dances.  I have no defense for her on this account, and as a fan, I simply choose to pretend it doesn’t happen.  I advise you to do the same.

Michael and I are under contract

WHAT NEXT?

Once you’ve realized what an amazing thing this is you’ve been missing out on all this time, you’ll have to show it to everyone you know.  Obviously, you will also require the soundtrack, which is sadly out of print, but that’s what Amazon is for.

Furthermore, to set yourself apart as a true fan, you’ll begin the labyrinthine journey into finding long-lost swag.  It’s out there – you just have to know where to look.  EBay is a good place to start, because most of the really cool stuff was either only sold in Japan or if it was sold here, it was gone in a week.

Luckily, you can still find t-shirts and such, if not figures or prop replicas and costumes.  We got our shirts from Mondo Tees.

You will also be appropriately indignant, if not horrified, at the mere mention of a remake.

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